Damn, now that Obama is cracking down on rape I'm never going to get laid.
Yeah, I went there & yeah, it's not funny.
Now mind you there are very funny rape jokes.
For those of you that are as old as I am, the whole "brain on drugs" commercials are what you remember, but, in the 1990s there was also a anti-drug commercial that is far less prominent in the American psyche.
"My mom is my anti-drug" it featured a series of teens that would have looked hip in the 1980s yuppie culture expressing their views on why they don't do drugs. "Sports are my anti-drug. Reagan is my anti-drug. Hunter Thompson is my anti-drug. Music is my anti-drug."
We all know that last one is bull shit, our record collections are bad ass thanks to drugs...so is our art collection & most of the better books we've read.
While watching that commercial in high school, one of my friends turned to me & said:
It came out of the fucking blue & is still one of the top-ten funniest things anyone has said in my life.
Back in the day, he was always good for an out-of-the-fucking-blue remark that would send you to stitches. He'd be laying across the back seat of my car, manning the radio & then pop his head up to say something hysterical.
Of course, what we really remember from the 90s is the Rachael Leigh Cook add because, yeah, she's still the most adorable thing in Hollywood & she can actually kinda really act. You know, unlike some stars that have bigger names & absolutely zero emotional range
They shouldn't be together should they? I mean, Brad Pitt can actually act. Sure, he does his best when he's playing someone a little off, but he's done drama well & he's done comedy well & you really don't need to act in action movies but all his wife seems to do is have nice lips.
It's an unfair matching.
Anyway, today is a touchy subject, because we are going to talk about something that, well, none of us would be here without.
One of the most important things you learn about history is that people move.
That's right, we're talking about rape.
Nirvana has done a lot of songs about rape haven't they? Disproportionate to just about every other band.
OK, whatever, first we need to talk about African-Americans & reveal a horrible fact. And if we are going to take a minute to talk about African-Americans & horrible facts, we should probably go to the one African-American face that everyone knows. The man that really won the Civil Rights Movement that we are still fighting in American...
Fuck. My bad. I blame Hollywood. I really didn't mean to stick you with Denzel Washington...I have an obvious hatred there. He seems to take Spike Lee's side & attack Samuel Jackson for staring in good movies.
And that's just vulgar because Spike Lee hasn't made a decent movie since Malcolm X. So really, they should both shut up about Django Unchained.
There we go, that's the face we wanted.
Malcolm X was very open about the fact that he had white blood in him.
If you are an African-American that can trace his/her roots back to slavery you have about 100% odds that somewhere along the line, you were related to the master of the house.
Which also means that somewhere along the line, you were a slave that was owned by your father.
Now you can go ahead & take Malcolm X's word for it, but Harriet Jacobs describes it with an account so visceral that will make you sick.
"Cherokee" is actually the code word for it because the fact is, if you are an African-American that can trace their lineage back to slavery in America the chances are about 100% that somewhere along the line you were a product of rape between master & slave.
But the thing is...
If you are a white southerner in America that can trace their roots to the antebellum south, the chances are about 70% that you were the product of rape between master & slave.
So the code word is "Cherokee," they are "of Cherokee decent," & that is the term used by both sides of the racial divide in the South to explain certain racial features that reveal a history that they would rather not admit to. Or it's a lie past down the generations to cover up the shame that comes with southern racism.
So you know, keep it separated, but at the same time interbreed.
You gotta keep them separated.
Think of it like what Strom Thurmond said:
It's not just the American South where that comes into play. We have other areas where rape has played an enormous part in history as well.
You see that map, it's tracing the Berber language, & yes, for those of you that were educated here in America, that is Africa.
The Berbers were African.
They got conquered by the Arabs when Islam was spreading by the sword.
Now we've already talked about how tough the Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys really are, we've done an entire post devoted to how tough the French were even when climate change was killing them all.
What we haven't covered yet is how weak the Sicilians really are. When we think of them they are super tough Mafia hit men that can kill you with an icy stare. But really, throughout history, dating back to the time before Rome, Sicily existed to get conquered.
At first it was the Greeks & the Romans & despite what we think Greeks & Italians look like today, back then they were blond haired & blue eyed & looked a lot like the person that they initially wanted to cast as Michael.
It wasn't until the Muslims came & brought the Berbers from Africa with them as hired guns that the face of Italy changed to resemble the man that eventually ended up being cast as Michael & although Robert Redford is a stellar actor in his own right, we are so fucking grateful that he wasn't cast.
Rape changed the face of Italy, Sicily in specific, but also a lot of Italy. In fact, it was the Muslims & their citrus groves that created the Mafia, but that is another story.
It also changed the face of Spain, who, after the fall of Roman, was owned largely by the Goths.
Who were Germanic by origin & sorta kinda latter day Celts & well, rape & war sorta kinda go hand-in-hand & it was the same group of conquering rapists that changed the face of Spain that also, earlier, changed the face of Italy only to get their asses kicked by the cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys.
Just like the Muslims & the Greeks, & the Carthaginians & the Romans & even the Americans Sicily was once conquered by the Vikings...because that is what Sicily does best.
And it is the Vikings that take us to our next big change which is really something we already covered.
They sort of went all over the place. In England & France they came as raiders, in Ireland they came as colonizers...well, first they came as raiders & rapists & then they came as colonizers & at the time, the people that first settled Ireland were the same people that settled Spain before the Romans came & those people had black hair & brown eyes.
It was the Vikings that gave the Irish that distinctive red hair blue eye look that we think of when we think of stereo-typed Irish. Just like it was the Vikings that brought the Irish their first cities.
It was also the Vikings, through the fact that they traded Vikings to the Arabs as sex slaves, that some people in the Middle East have hair on their chest.
For the most part, people that are truly African have no real body hair to speak of, it's really the Germanic people that are very hairy & that has everything to do with the weather.
The Arabs used to be a lot more African than they are today. It was really a little from Greece & lot from the Ukraine that brought hair to their chests & legs.
Just like Asians today have no hair on their chests. They don't exactly carry the gene that makes for an abundance of body hair...& the ones that do are also products of rape & forced displacement.
This time it was Genghis Khan, well, this time it was sort of Genghis, this time it was more the people that came after him that really burned Kiev to the ground & raped their way from the Sea of Japan to the Black Sea.
In this case, most of the DNA from raping was left in the West, what you have in the East was the first real city in Mongolia, made for all the peopl that the Khans were taking back.
Still, a big chunk of Asia can trace their heritage back to Genghis Khan. That man did a LOT of raping, there were even reports of girls killing themselves before he had a chance at them.
This time the people weren't for breeding, like today, a lot of Asia has a serious problem with racism. The people that the Khans were bringing back were the intellectuals. Like today, really smart people are few & far between & the genetic imprint they left behind is Ethiopian thin but present.
One of the most important things you learn about history is that people move.
Alexander moved a lot.
He also fucked a lot & so did his army.
In fact, his army fucked so much that there are still Indians with blond hair & blue eyes, descendents of the soldiers that gave up on him & settled in India.
If you read this regularly, you already know that in Egypt, the Greek Pharaohs were all about the inbreeding because in the ancient world, proving a blood line that linked you back to Alexander was about the same as linking your blood line back to Augustus in the world of the Middle Ages.
And here's where we make another joke about that horrible Oliver Stone Movie
The same went for India, sort of. His army left enough of a genetic imprint to help cement the Cast system of ancient India. The lighter skin you had the higher up you were because the closer you were to Alexander. Of course, the Indians had a much more esoteric justification for it, but it still came down to Alexander & his army.
Rape & war went together then & it still goes together today. The genetic markers are in you, but please, don't take my word on where you are from. For about $100 you can have your DNA tested & find out what made you, or rather who made you & help advance history a little on your way.
I'll leave you with this:
Yeah, I went there & yeah, it's not funny.
Now mind you there are very funny rape jokes.
For those of you that are as old as I am, the whole "brain on drugs" commercials are what you remember, but, in the 1990s there was also a anti-drug commercial that is far less prominent in the American psyche.
We all know that last one is bull shit, our record collections are bad ass thanks to drugs...so is our art collection & most of the better books we've read.
While watching that commercial in high school, one of my friends turned to me & said:
"Rape is my anti-drug."
It came out of the fucking blue & is still one of the top-ten funniest things anyone has said in my life.
"What if the worst possible thing you could think of was my anti-drug? Would you still want me to not do drugs?"
Back in the day, he was always good for an out-of-the-fucking-blue remark that would send you to stitches. He'd be laying across the back seat of my car, manning the radio & then pop his head up to say something hysterical.
It's an unfair matching.
Anyway, today is a touchy subject, because we are going to talk about something that, well, none of us would be here without.
One of the most important things you learn about history is that people move.
That's right, we're talking about rape.
OK, whatever, first we need to talk about African-Americans & reveal a horrible fact. And if we are going to take a minute to talk about African-Americans & horrible facts, we should probably go to the one African-American face that everyone knows. The man that really won the Civil Rights Movement that we are still fighting in American...
And that's just vulgar because Spike Lee hasn't made a decent movie since Malcolm X. So really, they should both shut up about Django Unchained.
Malcolm X was very open about the fact that he had white blood in him.
If you are an African-American that can trace his/her roots back to slavery you have about 100% odds that somewhere along the line, you were related to the master of the house.
Which also means that somewhere along the line, you were a slave that was owned by your father.
Now you can go ahead & take Malcolm X's word for it, but Harriet Jacobs describes it with an account so visceral that will make you sick.
But the thing is...
If you are a white southerner in America that can trace their roots to the antebellum south, the chances are about 70% that you were the product of rape between master & slave.
So the code word is "Cherokee," they are "of Cherokee decent," & that is the term used by both sides of the racial divide in the South to explain certain racial features that reveal a history that they would rather not admit to. Or it's a lie past down the generations to cover up the shame that comes with southern racism.
Think of it like what Strom Thurmond said:
"I'll fuck the help, but I'm not going to pay them a decent wage."
It's not just the American South where that comes into play. We have other areas where rape has played an enormous part in history as well.
The Berbers were African.
They got conquered by the Arabs when Islam was spreading by the sword.
It also changed the face of Spain, who, after the fall of Roman, was owned largely by the Goths.
And it is the Vikings that take us to our next big change which is really something we already covered.
It was also the Vikings, through the fact that they traded Vikings to the Arabs as sex slaves, that some people in the Middle East have hair on their chest.
In this case, most of the DNA from raping was left in the West, what you have in the East was the first real city in Mongolia, made for all the peopl that the Khans were taking back.
Still, a big chunk of Asia can trace their heritage back to Genghis Khan. That man did a LOT of raping, there were even reports of girls killing themselves before he had a chance at them.
One of the most important things you learn about history is that people move.
Alexander moved a lot.
He also fucked a lot & so did his army.
In fact, his army fucked so much that there are still Indians with blond hair & blue eyes, descendents of the soldiers that gave up on him & settled in India.
"I'm thirty-two, I'm gay, I'm on a roll, let's go!"
If you read this regularly, you already know that in Egypt, the Greek Pharaohs were all about the inbreeding because in the ancient world, proving a blood line that linked you back to Alexander was about the same as linking your blood line back to Augustus in the world of the Middle Ages.
And here's where we make another joke about that horrible Oliver Stone Movie
Rape & war went together then & it still goes together today. The genetic markers are in you, but please, don't take my word on where you are from. For about $100 you can have your DNA tested & find out what made you, or rather who made you & help advance history a little on your way.
I'll leave you with this:
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