Were the Egyptians Black?

Unfortunately I was going to tell you the story of a pilot, but something else caught my eye that needs correcting.  You know, for an accurate historical record.

It appears that there is a heated debate about the race of the Ancient Egyptians & unfortunately that has moved from academia to politics.  It's become a racist arguement on both sides.

You see the Black Racists, firmly believe that the Ancient Egyptians were Black.

And the White Racists are, for some idiotic reason, insisting that the Egyptians were really white.

They are both wrong.

They are also both sort of right.

In either case we really need to clear this up so that we can actually get back to the shit that matters & find out how a group of people that didn't know how to make iron ended up building the pyramids...& where they learned how to write, but that's sort of an X-File like that Ottoman map of Antarctica.

Moving on.

We have these three massive fucking things at Giza Plateau:

And we are still debating about how they were made, because the picture doesn't do it justice, up until that tower in Paris, they were the tallest structures on earth.

There are some wild theories out there.  Some of them involved ancient concrete that was somehow reconstituted into limestone blocks.  Some of them deal with ramps that are impossibly long & some are about ramps that twist around the structure making the giant bricks bank & ninety-degree angles.

There is actually a new theory by the construction crew that is restoring...or WAS...until the Arab Spring...that believes that they were constructed from the inside out using only the biggest block on the outermost section.

And there are misplaced theories that the Jews built them.  Misplaced as in the pyramids were there long before the Jews were in bondage in Egypt & the little fact that there is a town made to house the workers that pretty much kills the whole slave labor thing.

So know they can assure you that the people that built the Great Pyramid were Egyptian & that they were paid for their labor, but that still brings up the question of how they were built.

And I don't claim to know the answer.  But I can tell you two things for absolute certain.

1. It was not Ancient Aliens
2. And the people that built them were certainly Black.

Black as in African Black.  If you try to be politically correct & call them African-American's then congratulations, you're an idiot.

Who do we know that they were Black? 

Well that is easy enough, it fits perfectly into the timeline.

We know when the Pyramids were built & we know that they were built by people from Africa because, well, Egypt is in Africa & the timeline suggests that they could ONLY have been Black.

However, when we move forward in history....not so Black.

So just a quick breakdown for you, to bring you up to speed.

• 3,500 BC--The first settlers from Africa, in the Nile valley.
• 3,100 BC--Out of the Fucking blue, they have a fully developed writing system...no trace of their evolution of writing.
• 3,100 BC--Narmer Unifies Egypt.

At which point, he became the first mutant, moved to Atlantis, fought Hitler with the Human Torch & Captain America & became part of the Illuminati with Iron Man, only to drop out over the Mutant Registration Act & throw a fit when they blasted the Incredible Hulk into outer space where he would be tortured by a strange race of Aliens, forced to fight as a gladiator, & later escape & declare war on Earth.

And we're just going to move on.

• 2,700 BC we have the first stone pyramid.  A step pyramid
• 2,600 BC We have the three Pyramids at Giza that everyone has heard about
• 2,055 BC Mentuhotep II took over the entire country 
• 1,900 BC The First structure at Karnak was built
• 1,800 BC Egypt takes over Nubia

"What's a Nubian?  Bitch you almost made me laugh!"

For those of you that don't know, Nubia was in Africa & for those of you that have seen Chasing Amy, NO, the first civilization was not in Nubia...now we are pretty sure it was in the Indus Valley, like Pakistan/India sort of area.

Anyway,  The Nubians were certainly Black & sort of thought of themselves as Egyptian, which is cool, but the Egyptians were also Black so the whole horrible pillaging & raping thing didn't really start blending the races.

• 671 BC, the Assyrians attacked Egypt & actually held pretty good chunks of it for a while.

This is what Assyria looked like.

Note how only the part that was Egypt is actually in Africa.  The Assyrians were not Black.  But they probably weren't White either.

What we do know, that sad fact of history, is that rape is a pretty big part of warfare, & so is trading the women.  Later, especially in some of the ancient civilizations, marrying between the conquered & the occupying force is common.

Now, there was trade before, but not enough to really make a dent on the racial make up of ancient Egypt.  Come the Assyrians, well, look what the Moors did to Italy.  Once the Assyrians invaded & occupied the region you can assume that had a pronounced effect on the gene pool.

Egypt is not as Black as it was when they built the Pyramids.

• 525 BC Egypt is conquered again, this time by the Persians

We are going to go ahead & just assume more raping, more inter-marrying, more children with a Persian parent & an Egyptian parent.

In fact, I'm going to go ahead & assume that by this point in time, Egyptians looked less like the African face in the Sphinx & more like Zahi Hawass.

Moving on.

• 332 BC Alex comes to town & Oliver Stone makes an awful movie about it.

In fact, Alexander is buried in Egypt, but we lost him, only now we think we found him, under an intersection, only everyone that found him is keeping as quiet as they can because at the moment it's not a good idea at all to let anyone know where a find that important actually is.

• 305 BC Ptolemy I becomes the new pharaoh of Egypt & founds the dynasty that will rule until the end.

Now Ptolemy was born in Macedonia, just like his buddy Alex & even though he was put in power by the Greeks, he sort of became Egyptian, which was what kept his family in power.  Egyptians were far less apt to revolt when their pharaoh worshiped Egyptian gods & allowed Egypt to, well, still be entirely Egypt.

 He was also all about the inbreeding, because he knew Alexander & that was the ancient world equivalent of claiming that you were somehow related to the Caesars of Rome.  Having a blood line that links you back to Alex gave you the right to be king in the Ancient world.

Anyway, a few hundred years later...

• 30 BC, Cleopatra VII dies marking the end of Ancient Egypt & the start of Roman Egypt.

So, to summarize, to settle the argument, it wasn't until Alex that Egypt became White & that was only in the ruling class, which was inbred.  Egypt was Black when the Great Pyramids were built, but stopped being Black when the Assyrians took over, the Scorpion King looked nothing like The Rock & he turned out to be the first mutant & moved to Atlantis after unifying Upper & Lower Egypt.

There you go.  Now we can drop this whole argument about race, because you are both right & you are both wrong, & we can move on to just making fun of Giorgio Tsoukalos.

I'll leave you with this: