If you are like me, you love Halloween. If you are like me you love Halloween because, well, because you are a pervert & proud of it. You are a dirty man today, you were a dirty young man in the past, & if you decide to live long enough, you fully intend to be a dirty old man.
There is one reason we all love Halloween...sluts. The world should have more of them & Halloween opens that door & allows everyone to fall in that category.
Just please understand that I am not using the word "Slut" as an insult. There is nothing derogatory about it. It is not Machismo. It is totally not misogynistic.
What it is, is a support of Women's Liberation & gender equality. I am progressive enough to understand that ALL women, if they are to be free & equal should be EXTREMELY sexually liberated so much so that they act & dress like it is Halloween year round.
Because we all know that gender equality goes hand-in-hand with pasties & thongs & as much skin as humanly possible & women will not be free until "slut" becomes something to strive for & not an insult.
What I am saying is that I support Women's Liberation! What I am saying is that I am with you Jo Freeman! Let's take a stand for gender equality &, more importantly, female sexuality! Let's not stop fighting until women can treat every day like it is Halloween!
That will be one step closer to the perfect world.
As we all know, Halloween was first discovered in 1978 by a great explorer named John Carpenter.
But then it was lost & rediscovered in 2007 by a great musician & a horrible director named Rob Zombie.
But before all of that, thousands of years before all of that, it was a Celtic Holiday called Samhain.
No, I said "Sam Hain" not "Corey Haim."
Sam Hain, if you are a Supernatural fan is two different words & looks something like this:
Samhain, if you are Wicca, is one word & looks something like this:
Now to be honest, Samhain is about as accurate in Supernatural as it is if you are a Wicca, only maybe a little more accurate if you are Wicca because at least there it is an official holiday but one that a lot of them associate with the Green Man.
The Green Man looks something like this...like these:
Just pick one that you like & roll with it.
For those of you that don't know who the Green Man is, the answer is simple.
You know how the early Christians adopted a lot of Pagan imagery to help ease the conversion?
The Green Man is sorta kinda like that, only he's more Catholic Imagery that the New Age Pagans adopted as a god...you know, because a Catholic representation of the seasons in a Church that served as sort of a three-dimensional calendar...along with a 3D Bible & a sort of history of the religion is a hell of a lot nicer than the actual Pagan Gods.
So there was a winter, spring, summer, & fall man or woman in Catholic churches because that was really an important part of education in an agricultural society that depended on the Catholic church to provide an education.
And thus the Green Man was co-opted by Neopagans that needed a kinder, gentler, deity to fit into a world that had grown too small & safe for Berserkers & Blood Eagles.
The priests in New Age Paganism do NOT need to be castrated to be pure enough to slaughter a cow so their followers can bathe in its blood.
There is absolutely no cow slaughter with the Green Man.
The Green Man is a vegetarian...just like Hitler.
Adopting a Catholic image as a god also means that no human's need to be pinned to a tree & have their skin spread open so that the priests can read their entrails.
What I am trying to say is that the New Age Pagans & the Wiccans know about as much about history as Bill O'Rielly & about as much about theology as Bruce Wilkinson.
Do NOT listen to what they tell you about Halloween. You will be knee-deep in Bull Shit.
They want you to believe that Samhain was worshiped like this:
And has something to do with this:
And that is exactly what a lot of New Age Christians will have you believe because they associate the Green Man with the devil, despite the fact that he was a seasonal marker on Christian churches from Rome to Scotland & from Constantine to King James.
What I'm saying is that, well, Samhain was really more about this:
And a whole lot of this:
Which, of course, leads to women dressed like this:
And thank God for that.
Anyways, what we know of it today comes from Medieval Ireland, which was, well, Christian. But it comes from an older tradition that marked the final harvest before winter.
That harvest meant the difference between life & death, because if you didn't harvest enough, you were not going to make it through the winter.
Which also meant that it had a lot to do with honoring the dead because there were years that the harvest wasn't enough & you all knew people that didn't make it through that winter that followed the bad harvest.
But all of this kinda sorta got lost in translation because before the Christians came the Irish didn't have much of a written language that wasn't from the Vikings & everything that was recorded in stone before the Vikings was sort of lost in translation because the Nordic peoples raped & pillaged & settled enough to completely transform Irish Celtic traditions & mythology & even their genetic make-up, which we have already covered.
The Vikings, by the way, looked exactly like this:
So a lot of the original traditions of Samhain, which we call Halloween got lost in translation & are only being rediscovered because of the Romans that conquered England & had to deal with the fact that Samhain often marked the start of the war season.
And we know this in part because of the Romans & in part because of the Táin Bó Cúailnge which marks Samhain as the off-season Invasion of Ulster because all of the harvesting had already been done & going to war meant that no bodies were being taken from the field.
And we know about this because it was part of the Tuatha Dé Danann which is sorta kinda the official Bible & unofficial history of pre-Christian Ireland.
And this was all written down by the Christian Monks who were trying to wipe the Tuatha Dé Danann out of Ireland. So, you know, 100% guaranteed accurate with no embellishment whatsoever & certainly nothing inserted or twisted in order to make any of this look bad in the eyes of Christians or compared to Christianity.
So, eventually, over time it moved from a holiday marking the end of the harvest & a celebration remembering those that didn't make it in the years that followed bad harvests or a celebration marking a horrible harvest & the knowledge that many people wouldn't make it through the winter to a celebration celebrating the dead & the underworld & the devil & evil, evil, evil.
And one of the stories has to do with a Mr. Jack O'Lantern that was forced to walk the Earth for an eternity because he got kicked out of Hell & was too bad for Heaven & had to carry a lump of burning coal in a hollowed out gourd that can be found absolutely nowhere in Irish mythology & wasn't even a recorded story until the 19th century when it was lifted from a penny dreadful...which was an easy-reader pulp version of Melmoth the Wanderer which was a reinterpretation of the Wandering Jew which was an interpretation of an even earlier Celtic ghost story.
Full circle on that one.
Forget the shoe, follow the gourd!
And then, in the early 19th century, there was an upswing, a Celtic Revival where the traditions & the history in the Tuatha Dé Danann was further warped to reflect the penny dreadfuls on one side of the debate & then the emerging Neopaganism fad on the other which saw the birth of Wicca & the theft & rewriting of the Green Man.
In either case, what started as a feast to celebrate a harvest that your life depended on, was slowly warped into a feast to celebrate the dead which was then taken by the Wiccans & turned into one of their Sabbats which is now thought, by millions of people to be an actual tradition that is based on fact & not from an image that they borrowed from Catholic Churches.
This was taken a step further by the Catholic Church & turned into All Hallows Day, a holiday made to celebrate not the Saints, but the ancestors that had not the good fortune to make it through the winter without dieing...
...which is actually much closer to the actual Samhain than the Wiccan interpenetration...
...And far closer than the Witchcraft Satan Worshiping born again Christian belief...
At least, in as much as the Catholic holiday of All Souls Day which was later changed to All Saints Day which was later turned to All Hallows Day which was turned into Halloween is a holiday commemorated by a feast in honor of the departed, which was exactly what Samhain was originally celebrating, with the addition of the end-of year harvest. Which made it like the Irish version of the American Thanksgiving & celebrated for pretty much the exact same reasons.
You know, that you were going to make it through the winter.
But this was warped once more in England when they killed Guy Fawkes on a bonfire for trying to kill a protestant king who was committing a genocide against the Catholics, which we have already covered in a previous post.
It was a holiday presently called Bonfire Day where everyone would dress up as Guy Fawkes, wear the same mask & go door-to-door asking for spare change in mockery of the poor Catholic populations before they burned an effigy of Guy Fawkes at the stake in remembrance of the day that they stopped a man that tried to stop a genocide by blowing up the House of Lords.
When it came to America, however, the mask was replaced by a mask of a monster in reference to a Celtic tradition that was co-opted by the Neopagans as a day celebrating the spirits of the underworld...but only after the monster mask replaced the slutty outfit.
In the Roaring Twenties the tradition really took off & Halloween became a holiday celebrated across the country & intended strictly for adults as it was a holiday made for drinking too much & the slutty costumes that we mentioned at the start of this post.
Even though it was a strictly Catholic Holiday intended to remember the dearly departed that had not preformed the 3 miracles needed become a Saint.
And the Booze & the Sex & the fact that it was Catholic now meant that the WASPS, took their Puritanical & very racist anti-Catholic views & started to claim that the holiday was made by witches & evil, evil, evil, because it was a day that Alan Moore celebrated when he worshiped Satan who was really the Green Man who was an image that the Neopagans burrowed from Catholic Churches.
Which is why, today, in many churches & sometimes even in the more conservative Catholic Churches, Halloween is seen as a day celebrating the Devil & not, well, a Catholic holiday celebrating the people that weren't going to make it through the winter.
That is until World War II.
And everyone was so sick of death that they wanted something wholesome & pure & turned Halloween into a holiday for their children so they could dress up & look cute & exercise trust in a community by going door-to-door asking for candy...like the kids in England did to mock the Catholics on a day that was celebrated because Guy Fawkes failed to stop a genocide.
Which lasted until the Baby Boomers all grew up & carried the dressing up tradition into the adulthood which then turned that two decades of a purely innocent children's holiday into the decadent adult holiday that we were initially celebrating when the United States first started celebrating the Catholic version of Samhain that was warped by Neopaganism & everyone started to drink to much & dress up like sluts...again...
Only this time it was after the kids went out trick-or-treating which was a warped take on the celebration that the British did to celebrate when King James killed all the Catholics in England.
Which the WASPS would largely support, if they knew the history & didn't call it a day to worship the Devil because, you know, they get their history from late night television & not even from Alan Moore (who can tell you all about Guy Fawkes & witches) or, you know, from actual history.
But that is fine with them, because attributing the Holiday to Satan, who they call Sam Hain because the writers of Supernatural are clearly about as factual as the Baptist Church, will prevent their faithful practitioners from celebrating a Catholic Holiday that is intended to come with an ample amount of booze & allow women to dress up as sluts, which for some reason they oppose & don't encourage, which makes no sense to me because women should look at sluts as a positive & not a negative. Something to strive for.
Savvy?
That's a lot of twists & turns & losts in translations just so we could create a holiday that celebrates near nudity in, you know, one of the colder times of the year.
And it is that cold that makes us all really, REALLY love Halloween, or at least slutty Halloween costumes...which is a word that we are using as a positive & not at all as an insult &, if done right, are thin enough to tell you exactly how cold it is.
I'll leave you with this:
Now let's get all academic on this shit!
But first, bite me Rod Zombie, Marylin Manson wrote my Halloween soundtrack.
Sam Hain, if you are a Supernatural fan is two different words & looks something like this:
The Green Man looks something like this...like these:
Just pick one that you like & roll with it.
For those of you that don't know who the Green Man is, the answer is simple.
You know how the early Christians adopted a lot of Pagan imagery to help ease the conversion?
So there was a winter, spring, summer, & fall man or woman in Catholic churches because that was really an important part of education in an agricultural society that depended on the Catholic church to provide an education.
And thus the Green Man was co-opted by Neopagans that needed a kinder, gentler, deity to fit into a world that had grown too small & safe for Berserkers & Blood Eagles.
There is absolutely no cow slaughter with the Green Man.
The Green Man is a vegetarian...just like Hitler.
Adopting a Catholic image as a god also means that no human's need to be pinned to a tree & have their skin spread open so that the priests can read their entrails.
What I am trying to say is that the New Age Pagans & the Wiccans know about as much about history as Bill O'Rielly & about as much about theology as Bruce Wilkinson.
Do NOT listen to what they tell you about Halloween. You will be knee-deep in Bull Shit.
They want you to believe that Samhain was worshiped like this:
What I'm saying is that, well, Samhain was really more about this:
Anyways, what we know of it today comes from Medieval Ireland, which was, well, Christian. But it comes from an older tradition that marked the final harvest before winter.
That harvest meant the difference between life & death, because if you didn't harvest enough, you were not going to make it through the winter.
Which also meant that it had a lot to do with honoring the dead because there were years that the harvest wasn't enough & you all knew people that didn't make it through that winter that followed the bad harvest.
But all of this kinda sorta got lost in translation because before the Christians came the Irish didn't have much of a written language that wasn't from the Vikings & everything that was recorded in stone before the Vikings was sort of lost in translation because the Nordic peoples raped & pillaged & settled enough to completely transform Irish Celtic traditions & mythology & even their genetic make-up, which we have already covered.
The Vikings, by the way, looked exactly like this:
And we know about this because it was part of the Tuatha Dé Danann which is sorta kinda the official Bible & unofficial history of pre-Christian Ireland.
So, eventually, over time it moved from a holiday marking the end of the harvest & a celebration remembering those that didn't make it in the years that followed bad harvests or a celebration marking a horrible harvest & the knowledge that many people wouldn't make it through the winter to a celebration celebrating the dead & the underworld & the devil & evil, evil, evil.
Full circle on that one.
Forget the shoe, follow the gourd!
In either case, what started as a feast to celebrate a harvest that your life depended on, was slowly warped into a feast to celebrate the dead which was then taken by the Wiccans & turned into one of their Sabbats which is now thought, by millions of people to be an actual tradition that is based on fact & not from an image that they borrowed from Catholic Churches.
This was taken a step further by the Catholic Church & turned into All Hallows Day, a holiday made to celebrate not the Saints, but the ancestors that had not the good fortune to make it through the winter without dieing...
...which is actually much closer to the actual Samhain than the Wiccan interpenetration...
...And far closer than the Witchcraft Satan Worshiping born again Christian belief...
You know, that you were going to make it through the winter.
But this was warped once more in England when they killed Guy Fawkes on a bonfire for trying to kill a protestant king who was committing a genocide against the Catholics, which we have already covered in a previous post.
When it came to America, however, the mask was replaced by a mask of a monster in reference to a Celtic tradition that was co-opted by the Neopagans as a day celebrating the spirits of the underworld...but only after the monster mask replaced the slutty outfit.
Even though it was a strictly Catholic Holiday intended to remember the dearly departed that had not preformed the 3 miracles needed become a Saint.
Which is why, today, in many churches & sometimes even in the more conservative Catholic Churches, Halloween is seen as a day celebrating the Devil & not, well, a Catholic holiday celebrating the people that weren't going to make it through the winter.
That is until World War II.
Which the WASPS would largely support, if they knew the history & didn't call it a day to worship the Devil because, you know, they get their history from late night television & not even from Alan Moore (who can tell you all about Guy Fawkes & witches) or, you know, from actual history.
That's a lot of twists & turns & losts in translations just so we could create a holiday that celebrates near nudity in, you know, one of the colder times of the year.
And it is that cold that makes us all really, REALLY love Halloween, or at least slutty Halloween costumes...which is a word that we are using as a positive & not at all as an insult &, if done right, are thin enough to tell you exactly how cold it is.
I'll leave you with this:
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