The Hellfire Club...This Time it is Porn

This May Not Be Suitable For Children Under the Age of 18

Yeah, I hear "Hellfire Club" & my mind goes straight to that as all.  Well, it sort of goes straight to the White Queen.  The old uniform that she wore, not the new one.  The new one has a bit more skin but the old one was just super sexy.

And parents wonder why their kids love comic books & cool guys wonder why dorks like us are obsessed with them, even well into their thirties.

There's a reason for that & I think the late, great, Hunter S. Thompson said it best:

"When you get locked into a serious comic book collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can."

Actually no, he didn't say that at all.

Moving on....

Today we think of the X-Men & the White Queen & whats-his-name that invented the Sententials before The Terminator was made & what's his name that was kinda sorta bullet proof, & Magneto  & if you read the Grant Morrison run you think of a mutant strip club...which is so much closer to the truth.

But, what you really should be thinking of is this:

Now I want you to pause & kneel down before the hard work that I put into this blog.  It is nearly impossible to Google the words "nun in bondage" & not get tits, ass, & cock.

I mean I try to keep this as clean as I can & I know each post will get an "R" rating for the use of the word "fuck."  You know, because "Fuck" is my favorite word, it is so versatile, & if you use it more than one time you get an "R" rating.

But you can totally kill as many people as you want in a movie & it will still be "PG."

Which is all well & good, but when you Google "nuns in bondage" most of the images you get will move your post well into the "XXX" no NC-17 for you. Not without some serious searching.  Go for it, give it a try, it's really difficult, because essentially you are looking for unpornographic porn.

And that is really missing the point.  I mean, when you hear the word "Hellfire Club" your mind should instantly conjure up pornographic images of the clergy.  That is seriously the only appropriate conclusion to jump to.

In fact, if you hear the words "Hellfire Club" & you don't think of porn, you really don't know your history.

So today, we are ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING.  There's no Knights Templar here, this post is going to have some serious deep dicking!

But first, Libertarian BS Conspiracy Theory time: 

The general belief is that the Hellfire Club is more proof that the Jews, through the Rothschild family controls the entire world.

That's right, we have yet another anti-Semitic Libertarian rewrite of history to cover before we move into what actually happened.

For those of you that visit their websites you will find sentences like this:

"The possible connection between the American founding fathers, the Rothschild family and the Illuminati would be incomplete without taking into account a key figure: Benjamin Franklin."

 Now I went ahead & highlighted a word there & that word is Rothschild & that is important because they are a Jewish banking family that got rich in the Middle Ages because of what we covered in the last post.

You know, Shakespeare & Joss Whedon.

Anyway, if you read about what the Libertarians have to say about the Hellfire Club you will find a picture of Ben Franklin under the words:

"The Judeo-Masonic Conspiracy"

Now they say the first person that uses the word "Nazi" or "Hitler" in an argument loses the debate, but in this case, as with all things Libertarian, you will find the exact same arguments on the American Nazi Party website.

It's not bull shit, you can find all the Libertarian arguments if you click on this link.  Libertarians are Nazis.  In the case of the Hellfire Club it's a little extra anti-Semitic a little too pro-holocaust for my blood.

I am not going to repeat it, because that might be a form of respect & some people might believe it & try to kill all the Jews again.

In fact, you will find the entire Libertarian platform on the American Nazi Party's website...save the legalization of pot.

But you know, swing buy & check it out.  The only difference is that The Libertarians blame the Rothschild family & pretend they aren't racist & the Nazis blame the Rothschild Family & are openly racist.

So you know, support this guy:

Because we all should be good little Nazis.

Moving on...

Back to deep dicking.

Here's what actually happened & I can promise you that is has absolutely nothing to do with the Jews & the Rothschild family & the Federal Reserve Bank.  In fact it really revolves around one thing:  Sex.

You see, once upon a time there was a man named Sir Francis Dashwood & he was a Baronet, the 2nd Post Master General of England & like all royalty he was a bit dim.

"You're a plumber, what on Earth is that?"

No, he really was sort of stupid & really sheltered to the outside world & he didn't know what it was like to actually live outside of England & even then he didn't know what the majority of people were like & how hard it was to survive & he was really...

Well, there's a better way to describe old Frank's world view.

There's a better way to describe old Frank's IQ.

There's a better way to describe old Frank's experience outside the aristocracy.

Please take a moment to take me seriously.  This is only vaguely a joke, but the best way to possible describe what Dashwood was is by showing you this picture:

The only difference is that Frank had a wing-ding & things & Paris Hilton does not.  BUT, I'm sure that if she traveled back to London in 1719 she'd get along great with Frank & in no time at all she'd be dressing up as a nun & getting some serious deep dicking by a drunken mob of British Royalty...& Ben Franklin.

We'll get to him.  It turns out when he was in London he was doing a lot more than burying bodies in his basement.

Anyway Frank was a spoiled rich brat from England....If you look at the map below you will find it in the light blue & if you are like certain family members who used to live there I'll need to point out that it is the ISLAND on the West of Europe.  Otherwise you are looking at Germany.

Any way, back then, like today it was considered hip & very bourgeoisie for you child to go "see the world" once they got old enough & like today, what people mean when they use the word "The World" is actually only a tiny peninsula off of Asia.

And more accurately, what they mean by "The World" is actually just "Spain, France, Germany, & Italy."  With, you know, "England & Ireland" added in if you are from the US.

So congratulations.  If you've seen six countries you've seen the entire world.  You know, all of this:

So, Frank being the 18th century version of Paris Hilton, when he was out seeing "The World" to learn about culture & literature & history & make himself a more rounded individual, he was really just doing a lot of this.

But he was doing it in a lot of different countries, so it does still count as being well traveled.  Seriously, you can learn a LOT in bars.  Ask me sometime how the Mormon's saved Quincey.

The trick is to go into a bar where the local townies are.  My buddy Matt is a great example, he'll claim to know nothing about history & then you go drinking with him & find out that he can tell you everything you want to know about the local Dole Mansion.

Unfortunately, Frank wasn't interested in drinking with the townies & learning the local history.  Like Paris Hilton, he was more interested in bars like this:

 And he does this through Spain & through France & all through Germany & unfortunately he thinks he's Hunter Thompson, but really doesn't have the self control.
 
When he got shit-faced he got REALLY shit-faced.

Then he hit Italy...the country that looks like a fuck-me-boot:

He was already hitting it like an addict.  He was doing a little more than just drinking.  He was smoking dope & opium & eating magic mushrooms & really treating every country he went to like Johnny Depp used to treat hotel rooms.

It's like what Hunter Thompson said:

"Once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can."

Frank pushed it & pushed it & pushed it until it wasn't only the places he stayed where he was wearing out his welcome, but it was also the countries & the Italian that he hired to show him around was getting pissed at him too, because he was risking deportation through association.

And then Frank saw it:

Now the thing that you need to know about Italy, both then & now is that there are a shit-ton of churches & a shit-ton of places to get shit-faced.  In fact, the only place in the world, the actual world, that has more churches & watering holes per-capita is Malta.

So now you know where to plan your next vacation.  Lovely beaches.

Moving on...

Like all good drug users & drunks, Frank comes up with a really great idea.

Now...we've all done things like that before.  Sometimes you get fucked up & the world is boring & you come up with what you think is a GREAT idea.  Unfortunately, when you sober up, that great idea turns out to have been a really horrible idea but now you have a fairly amusing story to tell.

You've been there, I've been there, but Frank Dashwood took it to an extreme.

So he brought a Devil Costume, he had a lot to drink, he took a lot of drugs & he brought himself a whip...or a flogger...or whatever you call these things:

And then he went into a church, acted like the Devil, & flogged the crucifix & some of the old women praying.

Then he went to a bar, had another shot, & went to the next church.

Then he went to the next bar, had another shot, & hit up the next church.

He started at sun rise & went church-bar, church-bar, church-bar until well after sunset.

By the time Old Frank was done, he was too fucked up to stand on his own & his Italian tour guide--appropriately horrified--carried him home & just dropped him on his bed in disgust.  Then he changed into his white night gown & went to sleep in his room across the hall.

The white night gown is really important to this story.  Because about an hour later Frank woke up, still heavily intoxicated.

He woke up because he heard screaming & he looked over to the source & on his balcony he saw an imp, sent by Satan himself to drag him to hell.

Actually, no, what he really saw was too cats fucking. 

You know how their eyes sort of glow in the dark?  You know how they don't exactly sound human?  Well...

When you are as smart as Paris Hilton & on as much drugs as Hunter Thompson, & when you are living in the early 18th Century when everyone is super religious, two cats fucking could easily be an imp from hell.

Jesus was mad at him for what he did in the church & the devil sent one of his minions to drag old Frank to hell.

Naturally, Frank started to scream in terror.  No, don't be all judgmental, you'd scream too if the devil sent a four-eyed imp to drag you to hell.

But then, God intervened & sent an angel in white:

And that angel frightened the imp away & told Dashwood to go back to bed.

But the thing is that escaping death isn't exactly something that is going to allow you to easily go back to sleep, no matter how fucked up you are.  So old Frank waited as long as he could & then walked across the hall & woke up his Italian tour guide & told him all about the imp & the Angel.

And the tour guide listened without interrupting.

And when he was finished he nodded & decided that maybe it would be best if Frank had at least a little fear of God, so he said:

"I thought I saw an angel."

And the next morning they both got deported & were forced to return to England.  Frank brought the Italian tour guide because he had nowhere else to go & it was sort of his fault he got kicked out.

This is what all Italians look like:

So Dashwood isn't so much a born again Christian when he gets back to England, he's more of a super devout Catholic.  He saw the devil & he saw God & now he was going to turn over a new leaf.  His old wild ways were gone.  He was going to be a good, pure man again to repent for his sins because God forgave him & found it in his heart to protect him.

Needless to say the Brat Pack back in England were shocked by the new turn of personality in their old friend Frankie.  Something happened to him when he was touring "The World" & they needed to find out.

But the thing is that every member of the Brat Pack was smarter than Paris Hilton & they didn't believe a word about God & the Devil & the Imp & the Angel.

So while they are trying their best to find out what really happened old Frank is giving speeches about religion to Parliament  & supporting Catholic causes & becoming the Bruce Wilkinson of his day & just as full of shit.

Because like Wilkinson, he really knew fuck-all about theology & he knew even less about Catholicism, but hey, "A" for effort.

Meanwhile his old buddies kidnap the Italian tour guide & took him out drinking.  Over the course of many beers, the Italian talks & tells Dashwood's old friends what really happened that day in Rome.

They take the news & act like all good friends do, you know, they make fun of him relentlessly for it & "two cats fucking," becomes the running punch line for years to come.

Needless to say that Dashwood doesn't react to this well & he turns his back on God.

He seriously turns his back on God, but he also wants to make it up to his friends.

The Hellfire Club was born.

That's actually the Irish Hellfire Club.  Originally it was in London, it was actually originally an Abbey on the Thames because Old Frank wanted to forsake God as much as he could.

There we go, that's the English Club.

If there was one thing he knew how to do it was sin.

So he hired just about every artist he could & commissioned them to make the most pornographic & satanic images & statues that they could.

The Hellfire Club became the Studio 54 of it's time.  By the time it really got up & rolling the Brat Pack turned into the Rat Pack of its time & the only way to gain entrance was to be a celebrity & yes, Ben Franklin got an invitation to the party.

Because nobody partied like Ben Franklin. 

And to show his gratitude for the invitation, he hand crafted a lamp in the form of a bat with an enormous erection:

That's not the lamp, it's actually harder to find Ben's Hellfire Club lamp on line than it is a non pornographic picture of nuns in bondage...but, it's real & it's actually at the Museum of Witchcraft, well "the Mound" in Edinburgh.  If you want to see the handmade Ben Franklin bat-cock, you can go here:

The Mound, Edinburgh EH2 2EL, United Kingdom

 +44 131 624 6200

Moving on...

People said that there was a lot of this going on & there were protests that followed:

Of course that wasn't really happening & only a small percentage of the population really believed that line.  The rest of them treated it like this:

Needless to say that when you have that much press & publicity it is nearly impossible to have the proper drunken orgies.

Especially when ladies of influence want to attend.

It's one thing if a man digs the drunken orgies, but for some reason women don't like the whole "slut" label.

I really don't understand that.  As a man, I encourage sluts.  Clearly the world would be a better place if all women were sluts, but women don't want to be sluts so the Hellfire Club had to relocate somewhere more private to keep its female members happy.

So they moved it from an Abbey on an island on the Thames in the center of London, to an underground mine in the country side & thus avoided the press & kept the good name of its female members.

It went from Studio 54 to a secret society all so they could still have princesses & duchesses & women of power dress up as nuns & preform black masses as a form of foreplay before they get tied up & fucked.

Like I said: "Nuns in bondage:"

In the comic books we see the Hellfire Club as an active secret society of evil mutants plotting world domination.  In the Libertarian Conspiracy Monkey world we see it as an active secret society of Jews & Freemasons intent on taking over the world through the Rothschild family & the Federal Reserve Bank & the United Nations...but it's not racist.

In the American Nazi Party & the now defunct Soviet-bitch-slapped actual Nazi Party the story is exactly the same as the Libertarian story of the Hellfire Club, but this time it is racist.

And in the Alex Jones X-Files was a documentary filmed in real time I want to believe world it is the exact same conspiracy theory only the Jews are actually a race of Lizard Aliens.

NONE of these theories are correct.

What the Hellfire club actually is, is Studio 54 orgies of the 18th Century attended by global celebrities & founded by a man that liked to get drunk & flog Jesus, only to be publicly embarrassed by two cats fucking on a balcony.

And my parents keep telling me that they wish the world was as wholesome & innocent as it was in the past.

I'll leave you with this: