America, Who Discovered that Shit First?

It was just the other day that we celebrated Columbus Day.

So it's time to go all native on your ass.

"Assume nothing 7th! "

You know, it was the day that we honor this guy that everyone is supposed to hate.

Who, in the 1990s was skillfully played by this guy:

And not so skillfully by this guy:

There is also a statue of him in Barcelona which is pointing East...away from America, which might have been a good thing because most Native Americans agree that Columbus was probably the worst thing that happened to them since the Aztecs...or maybe it just meant that he discovered the Mediterranean. 

You know, he has a statue because he had discovered a country that was already there when he was looking for a part of the world that was already discovered & possibly following a map drawn by eight Irish monks that had discovered the New World by following a saga by the Vikings that had already discovered it.

Are you with me so far?

Good, because it's really not at all complicated & it was all written down by the Vikings who were really the Norse & then later recorded by Adam of Bremen in 1075 into one definitive text about the time that the North stopped being Pagan long enough to have the sagas recorded by a man named Adam.

Anyway, when my father was a kind, this was all pseudoscience that only the the 1950s style Libertarians believed, just like Pangaea...& when I was a kid this was also almost pseudoscience because only a few more people believed it, but it's cool because by the time I had 3rd Grade history everyone already believed in Pangaea.

Now almost everyone believes in Pangaea, with the exception of Christian Fundamentalists that believe that the Earth is only 5,000 years old & Halloween is a holiday for the Devil, which we will kinda, sorta, maybe set right in the next post, maybe.  You know, if it makes any sense.

Where was I in my rant?

Right, the Vikings.  They all look exactly like this:

The Vikings, they are fucking everywhere aren't they?

You think they get around, wait until you read about the Mongols & the Potato. 

And we know that the Vikings discovered America & that it isn't pseudoscience anymore because of the Maine Penny.  Not to be confused with the Hey Penny.

Which is actually a Olaf Kyrre penny, the Maine Penny, not the Hey Penny, that dates from around the 11th century, about the time that the Norse were becoming Christian & not Pagan & dieing out & turning into regular Europeans so that Adam could write it all down for us & it is actually made out of silver, which even then made it worth a lot more money than a single penny but we still call it the "Maine Penny" because it was found in Maine.

It's amazing how a single penny can prove a Norse Saga?  Shit like that is why people love history.  It only takes on little worthless penny to rewrite history.

That is if you believe that the Vikings landed in the New World several times, & if you believe that the Leif Expedition was real & that Thorvald's Voyage was real & that Karlsefni's Expedition was real & that all the recorded history that goes along with them is also real.

Some people still don't believe it, because they don't believe that the Vikings could not have possibly sailed to Maine...which is highlighted in red.

It's a crazy Libertarian conspiracy theory, but they believe that the Vikings bypassed Maine & went directly to Minnesota instead...which is highlighted in red.

And they believe this because, like the Lizard Aliens, it makes fuck all sense.

This time they aren't basing their theory off the evidence supplied by a great sci-fi miniseries:

They are instead basing it off of information they collected by researching the NFL

But, you know, vote for them...because everything they say makes perfect sense.

It's seriously about as well researched & logically argued as this blog, that takes itself far less seriously than the Libertarian Party & Alex Jones & is more than willing to provide an actual works cited upon request...unlike both the Libertarian Party & Alex Jones.

But you can trust them, because if you don't believe them, it's cool, you're just part of the vast conspiracy to keep the truth about the NFL, the Vikings, & the Holy Grail out of the hands of people that make no difference if they knew the truth.

But to be fair, it's not JUST the NFL that has convinced these politicians & potential presidential candidates that the Vikings sailed directly to Minnesota & not Maine it is also the Kensington Runestone Hoax & a hooked "X."

That's the Kensington Runestone & we've all seen it before, Mel Brooks dropped it in the History of the World Part I.

The thing is, despite the hooked "X" that proves it's authenticity, the language, the Runes it was written in were laughed at by the Swedish linguists that, you know, live in one of the countries that actually used to use Nordic Runes.

So it turns out that the ancient Runes that it was written in was actually written by someone next to illiterate in Ancient Nordic Runes.

But the myth persists because the hooked "X" proves that the Nordic people that sailed to Minnesota also proves that they were Freemasons, which is why the Lizard Aliens & the Rothschild Family want to make you think that the Vikings only sailed to Maine & not Minnesota & that's a big steaming pile of shit that we covered in this Blog already.

Moving on.  Before the Vikings the French Discovered America.

"Quoi? L'Amérique française Découverte?"

Oui.

Only, to be fair, the French discovered America well before the Franks settled in France & made it all French.

Now, to be fair, this is all pseudoscience, but it's almost like the Vikings discovered Maine pseudoscience.  At the moment, this theory is complete & utter bull shit, but it's bull shit that is probably going to be fact in the next seven years.

Which is why you have to keep up on your trades.  I recommend JSTOR, but Project MUSE is sorta kinda cool for the Cold War.

 Anyway...as the current pseudoscience theory goes, back in the day, during the deep freeze of the last really big Ice Age, the North Atlantic looked a lot like this:

And it is complete pseudoscience because about 10 out of 10 geologists agree that during the last really big Ice Age the North Atlantic looked a lot like this:

So, clearly, so far we can see where not that many people would believe it.

It's generally only the anti-Global warming crowd that doesn't believe that there was an Ice Age because that would mean that world can change temperatures & is not a constant 71 degrees around the globe, at all times, even in the North Atlantic.

Moving on, the theory goes that these early French people before France was French were following seals in boats & coasting along the edge of the ice from France to about Georgia in present day America.

All because they really liked Seal.

They liked his so much that they were hunting & eating him.

So he ran to America & they followed & we sort of know that this is kinda maybe true but not exactly proved yet is because of the Clovis point.

Which they found in France as well as Georgia & Texas.

And for most people, that looks like nothing more than a stone spearhead

But for people that work with really old stone spearheads, there is a distinct difference.  

Which was the stone age equivalent of finding an English Longbow:

In a land that used Iroquois Bows

Before Columbus found America.

Or, the difference between a Glock

And a Colt 1911

You know, one has a safety & a hammer & one is made out of plastic.

The story goes that the Ice Age people from France got to America first & there are several caches here that seem to match the hunting caches they found in France that also contain Clovis Points along with similar materials possibly left as offerings to whatever crazy deity that Ice Age Europeans worshiped before they really settled into what we call religion today.

Some people say that they were worshiping a god, I think it was Elvis.

And then there was another severe polar vortex sorta kinda like the one we had last winter & between the hardships of a brutal cold spell in the Ice Age & the thing that usually happens when one group of people runs into another, the Americans from Europe all starved to death or killed off by the Asian settlers that came to America using the Bering Strait & didn't want to share it.

And we know for a fact that these settlers came from Asia because we have the genetic evidence to prove it.  Or at least we have the genetic evidence to prove that they came from Asia, not that they crossed the Bering Strait.

It's actually Halpogroup Q that seals that deal & it's found in the Y-Chromosone...but there are some variations that might possibly sorta, maybe kinda indicate that the Clovis theory might still sorta kinda maybe hold some water...maybe...in like seven years.

Because, remember, if you are my age, in Elementary school the Vikings did NOT discover America, that was complete pseudoscience, but is high school they totally did discover America.

Which is why we had yesterday off of work, if you were rich enough to have days like Columbus Day off of work, to celebrate the rant that you just read.

I'll leave you with this: