I used to teach history, well not History history. I taught high school history....totally different animal.
I love history, I really do. History, unlike the Bible, or rather, including the Bible, is the absolute greatest story ever told. You can’t make some of that shit up & a lot of it is the absolute sickest shit that you will ever read about. That psychopath that kidnapped Amanda Berry, what was his name, Ariel Castro? Castro was a really nice & gentle man compared to some of the real bastards in history.
You see, there are certain rules that you have to apply to the teaching of history. Certain steps that you have to go through.
For instance, I always started my class by making my students repeat after me, so let’s try it. If you are reading this, please say the following out loud:
“That’s disgusting; I have to learn more about it.”
Good, you did good, that's really good. So let’s say it again, just to drive the point home:
“That’s disgusting; I have to learn more about it.”
Once more....with feeling...But this time I want you to remember that, back in the day, if they didn’t like you, they would force feed you milk & honey, then lock you in a canoe in the desert heat & leave you for the ants while you shit yourself. So once more, with feeling:
“That’s disgusting; I have to learn more about it.”
Very good!
That’s an important thing to be able to say. If you can’t say that, you’re not really going to make it in history...or this blog.
If you are going to delve into history you have to learn how to move forward into the really disgusting things & a few disturbing facts.
You can’t shy away from them because history is the documentation of man’s brutality to his fellow man & as a species we can be really fucking brutal. I like to have my students repeat that so they all know ahead of time what they are walking into.
Now let’s move onto the basic rules of history. Do you have your notebooks out? Write this down, it is going to be your anchor in this blog.
1) Everything dies. People, institutions, religions, gods. On a long enough timeline...as Chuck said...the survival rate of everything drops to zero. Today’s cults are tomorrow’s religions.
2) People move. My father, for instance, is a Ukrainian Jew. He used to be a Polish Jew, he denies being a Jew, but before he denied it World War II happened. Now his little piece of Poland is now a little piece of the Ukraine.
What the fuck does that mean?
That means he has Jewish blood, Mongolian blood, Slavic blood, German Blood, Viking blood, Celtic Blood, Gothic Blood, & if you go back far enough, African blood.
If you ask mom, he's mongoloid...& not in a good way. It runs in the family, I'm getting help from an old girlfriend on this, she'd say the same about me.
Is there a point?
Who cares?
Moving on....
My mother is an Irish Catholic from Ulster. My mother is Iberian, Celtic, Viking, Norman, British, & if you go back far enough, African.
My Brother-in-law is Sicilian, which means, to his idiotic shame, he is Berber, Greek, Roman, Jewish, Phoenician, Carthaginian, Arab, & God only knows what else, people have been trampling through that little island for thousands of years.
Again, what's the point?
People move, that’s why racism is a bull shit philosophy...now on to number 3!
3) Hungry people don’t stay hungry for long. It’s the people that an empire forces into starvation & subsistence that eventually herald its ruin. Number three is the reason for number one, well that & geology, & climate change.
You don't buy it? Ask the Goths about their dog.
4) Everything evolves. This is especially true with languages & cultures. There is no such thing as a pure language, despite what the French will tell you.
French is Latin & Germanic, it’s a bastard language...despite what the French will tell you.
Spanish & Italian are Latin & Arabic.
English is at least eight different languages, ten if you count American English.
The same goes for religion. The religion what we practice in church today is certainly NOT the religion that was initially founded. Everything evolves. Everything changes.
Learn these four points; they will serve you well if you ever feel like taking the plunge into a history. But remember, you’re going to be learning some pretty racy & disgusting shit, so, you know, be prepared for it. It gets brutal & perverted.
You don’t learn about this stuff when you are in high school. When you are in high school, teachers like me censor history. We have to. Our jobs depend on it.
Sure, sure, sure, the Iliad is a great story, but when you are in high school, you get taught the watered down version. The real version, the full version, it reads like rape porn. Rape was huge for a very long time & yes, it was heavily eroticized...So were strap-ons.
Now we're talking!
Strap-ons are not a new invention, they aren’t a product of modern times. Strap-ons are an extremely old concept. Back in the day, it all came down to who was doing the penetrating & who was getting penetrated. Doing the penetrating meant that you had power, it would be totally unseemly for a Greek or Roman woman of wealth & stature to go to a brothel & get fucked.
Nope, you don't want to get fucked. When you get fucked, it kind of sucks. We have sayings about how bad it is to get fucked.
When Blow-Job Gate happened, Clinton got fucked.
So yeah...nope. Wealthy Roman women had too much power for that to happen, when that bitch went out to buy some sex, she was going to be doing the fucking. If she wasn’t wearing a strap-on & giving some little boy or hot Slavic sex slave some serious deep dicking...with her strap-on...than that would have been the real scandal.
How do you teach that to high school kids?
You just don’t.
That’s the real & honest answer. But most of the time, that doesn’t come up. Most of the people that are in high schools teaching kids, they have less than a minor worth of credit hours in the subject they are teaching, which means they have just over the same gen-eds in the subjects that you have.
So take care. Breathe easy. Most of the history teachers out there, don’t know enough about history to hold a lucid conversation about the ancient world’s love for strap-ons. They probably can’t tell you about that 10,000 year-old stone dildo they found in Germany back in, what, 2004?
It was stone. It was seriously stone. Sure it was polished smooth & sure, I understand that I’m not a woman, but a stone dildo doesn’t seem too appealing to me. It seems too cold, too dry, too hard. Stone doesn’t seem like a good idea. Now the ancient strap-ons, those were made out of sheepskin & stuffed.
Some were even scented.
Sheepskin was the same material they used for paper, book bindings, & often created to be soft and smooth. Now I’d much rather fuck myself with a vellum dildo than a stone dildo.
But we are talking, what? 8,000 years of history between the peak in the Roman strap-on industry & stone dildos, clearly dildo technology had advanced a lot between the Neolithic Age & Classical Antiquity.
The advancement of dildo technology through the ages, that’s a conversation that would get you removed from the classroom in a heartbeat.
Ironically, however, that’s a conversation that your students would be completely amused with & actually want to participate it. That’s something they would actually listen to. I know this for a fact, sex was a major part of history, especially back in the ancient world, & today it is a major part of high school life.
It is a major part of life.
Without sex, you wouldn't be here to read this blog.
Dwell on that for a little while.
You are only reading this because your mom & dad doinked.
When I was in college I got to sit through a lecture just like this...well...a little more professional & not at all about your parent's sex life.
It was about vellum dildo & it was disturbingly delivered by an aged French woman that looked the shit like one of the nuns I knew when I was still dragged kicking & screaming to St. Peter’s every Sunday.
That was a disturbing lecture, but it was like a train wreck, you just couldn’t look away...It was too fucking fascinating.
But don’t worry. Most of the people that teach your student’s history, they don’t have the credit hours to know about vellum dildos...or stone. They don’t have the credit hours in history to have sat through that lecture. They are strictly the 101 crowd.
15 credit hours in history & an education major is all you need to teach high school history...at least in America.
That's why you come here & read this garbage.
Breathe easy. The history teachers your children have, they can’t tell you that crucifixion was a punishment reserved strictly for people that rebelled against Rome & its governors.
That doesn’t really come up in the 101 classes.
So if your children are Catholic, or a follower of some other lesser wayward branch of Christianity, breathe easy, their history teachers won’t know enough to tell them that the little hissy-fit that Jesus threw in the Temple was the act that ultimately did him in. Well, the hissy-fit & a lot of what JC was saying....about not bowing to Rome.
That’s an important fact if you are looking to understand who The Christ really was & what his passions were. I mean, Jesus died about c.32 AD & the First Jewish War really got rolling in, what, c.70 AD? There abouts?
It sounds like a long time, in relative terms, but not so long when you look at how long Russia & the US colonies were simmering before the situation boiled over into an out & out revolution.
Things need time to baste.
If you take all of that into account, that little fact about crucifixion should really frame how you view Jesus Christ.
This is doubly so if you are one of those idiots that blames the Jews for his death & NOT the Romans.
When was Matthew written? Around 70 AD?
Old Matt was the earliest that wasn’t Gnostic. If you are in Rome & writing a gospel that is essentially following the Torah, you want to distance yourself from the Jews as much as possible.
Let the Roman’s persecute them all they want, just keep your converts safe…until, you know, they eventually come for you too. But at least blaming the Jews & not the Romans will give your faith time to spread.
Talk about being a fucking turn-coat.
It wasn’t Judas that we should be labeling as a traitor; it is Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John. They sold out Jesus man, so that they could cozy up with Rome.
Well, not so much John, who came about a little later, when the Roman’s were already persecuting the Christians. But that’s another thing that high school history teachers probably can’t tell you. Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John were not amongst the Twelve Apostles, they came around long after those Twelve were dead.
All in all, if high school teachers actually had to take at least a minors worth of credit hours in the subject they were teaching, our collective mental image of Christ would slowly turn from a pained man nailed to a cross to, well, something closer to the Korda Photo.
But the thing is it doesn’t change established history. It’s not like they aren’t teaching this in school. They are teaching it in school, or at least in college.
But let's face facts, unlike me; you're not going to be dumb enough to actually major in history. You're going to read this instead.
The devil is really in the details & 60 credit hours in subjects like history can change how you view the world you live in right down to Jesus Christ & sex toys.
The truth, it’s out there...& so are the Jesus dildos.
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