Halloween...Because the Devil Is In the Pasties

If you are like me, you love Halloween. If you are like me you love Halloween because, well, because you are a pervert & proud of it.  You are a dirty man today, you were a dirty young man in the past, & if you decide to live long enough, you fully intend to be a dirty old man.

There is one reason we all love Halloween...sluts.  The world should have more of them & Halloween opens that door & allows everyone to fall in that category.

Just please understand that I am not using the word "Slut" as an insult.  There is nothing derogatory about it.  It is not Machismo.  It is totally not misogynistic.  

What it is, is a support of Women's Liberation & gender equality.  I am progressive enough to understand that ALL women, if they are to be free & equal should be EXTREMELY sexually liberated so much so that they act & dress like it is Halloween year round.

Because we all know that gender equality goes hand-in-hand with pasties & thongs & as much skin as humanly possible & women will not be free until "slut" becomes something to strive for & not an insult.

What I am saying is that I support Women's Liberation!  What I am saying is that I am with you Jo Freeman! Let's take a stand for gender equality &, more importantly, female sexuality!  Let's not stop fighting until women can treat every day like it is Halloween!

That will be one step closer to the perfect world.

Now let's get all academic on this shit!

But first, bite me Rod Zombie, Marylin Manson wrote my Halloween soundtrack.

As we all know, Halloween was first discovered in 1978 by a great explorer named John Carpenter.

But then it was lost & rediscovered in 2007 by a great musician & a horrible director named Rob Zombie.

But before all of that, thousands of years before all of that, it was a Celtic Holiday called Samhain.

No, I said "Sam Hain" not "Corey Haim."

Sam Hain, if you are a Supernatural fan is two different words & looks something like this:

Samhain, if you are Wicca, is one word & looks something like this:

Now to be honest, Samhain is about as accurate in Supernatural as it is if you are a Wicca, only maybe a little more accurate if you are Wicca because at least there it is an official holiday but one that a lot of them associate with the Green Man.

The Green Man looks something like this...like these:

Just pick one that you like & roll with it.

For those of you that don't know who the Green Man is, the answer is simple.

You know how the early Christians adopted a lot of Pagan imagery to help ease the conversion?

The Green Man is sorta kinda like that, only he's more Catholic Imagery that the New Age Pagans adopted as a god...you know, because a Catholic representation of the seasons in a Church that served as sort of a three-dimensional calendar...along with a 3D Bible & a sort of history of the religion is a hell of a lot nicer than the actual Pagan Gods.

So there was a winter, spring, summer, & fall man or woman in Catholic churches because that was really an important part of education in an agricultural society that depended on the Catholic church to provide an education.

And thus the Green Man was co-opted by Neopagans that needed a kinder, gentler, deity to fit into a world that had grown too small & safe for Berserkers & Blood Eagles.

The priests in New Age Paganism do NOT need to be castrated to be pure enough to slaughter a cow so their followers can bathe in its blood.

There is absolutely no cow slaughter with the Green Man.

The Green Man is a vegetarian...just like Hitler.

Adopting a Catholic image as a god also means that no human's need to be pinned to a tree & have their skin spread open so that the priests can read their entrails.

What I am trying to say is that the New Age Pagans & the Wiccans know about as much about history as Bill O'Rielly & about as much about theology as Bruce Wilkinson.

Do NOT listen to what they tell you about Halloween.  You will be knee-deep in Bull Shit.

They want you to believe that Samhain was worshiped like this:

And has something to do with this:

And that is exactly what a lot of New Age Christians will have you believe because they associate the Green Man with the devil, despite the fact that he was a seasonal marker on Christian churches from Rome to Scotland & from Constantine to King James.

What I'm saying is that, well, Samhain was really more about this:

And a whole lot of this:

Which, of course, leads to women dressed like this:

And thank God for that.

Anyways, what we know of it today comes from Medieval Ireland, which was, well, Christian.  But it comes from an older tradition that marked the final harvest before winter.

That harvest meant the difference between life & death, because if you didn't harvest enough, you were not going to make it through the winter.

Which also meant that it had a lot to do with honoring the dead because there were years that the harvest wasn't enough & you all knew people that didn't make it through that winter that followed the bad harvest.

But all of this kinda sorta got lost in translation because before the Christians came the Irish didn't have much of a written language that wasn't from the Vikings & everything that was recorded in stone before the Vikings was sort of lost in translation because the Nordic peoples raped & pillaged & settled enough to completely transform Irish Celtic traditions & mythology & even their genetic make-up, which we have already covered.

The Vikings, by the way, looked exactly like this:

 So a lot of the original traditions of Samhain, which we call Halloween got lost in translation & are only being rediscovered because of the Romans that conquered England & had to deal with the fact that Samhain often marked the start of the war season.

And we know this in part because of the Romans & in part because of the Táin Bó Cúailnge which marks Samhain as the off-season Invasion of Ulster because all of the harvesting had already been done & going to war meant that no bodies were being taken from the field.

And we know about this because it was part of the Tuatha Dé Danann which is sorta kinda the official Bible & unofficial history of pre-Christian Ireland.

And this was all written down by the Christian Monks who were trying to wipe the Tuatha Dé Danann out of Ireland.  So, you know, 100% guaranteed accurate with no embellishment whatsoever & certainly nothing inserted or twisted in order to make any of this look bad in the eyes of Christians or compared to Christianity.

So, eventually, over time it moved from a holiday marking the end of the harvest & a celebration remembering those that didn't make it in the years that followed bad harvests or a celebration marking a horrible harvest & the knowledge that many people wouldn't make it through the winter to a celebration celebrating the dead & the underworld & the devil & evil, evil, evil.

And one of the stories has to do with a Mr. Jack O'Lantern that was forced to walk the Earth for an eternity because he got kicked out of Hell & was too bad for Heaven & had to carry a lump of burning coal in a hollowed out gourd that can be found absolutely nowhere in Irish mythology & wasn't even a recorded story until the 19th century when it was lifted from a penny dreadful...which was an easy-reader pulp version of Melmoth the Wanderer which was a reinterpretation of the Wandering Jew which was an interpretation of an even earlier Celtic ghost story.

Full circle on that one.

Forget the shoe, follow the gourd!

And then, in the early 19th century, there was an upswing, a Celtic Revival where the traditions & the history in the Tuatha Dé Danann was further warped to reflect the penny dreadfuls on one side of the debate & then the emerging Neopaganism fad on the other which saw the birth of Wicca & the theft & rewriting of the Green Man.

In either case, what started as a feast to celebrate a harvest that your life depended on, was slowly warped into a feast to celebrate the dead which was then taken by the Wiccans & turned into one of their Sabbats which is now thought, by millions of people to be an actual tradition that is based on fact & not from an image that they borrowed from Catholic Churches.

This was taken a step further by the Catholic Church & turned into All Hallows Day, a holiday made to celebrate not the Saints, but the ancestors that had not the good fortune to make it through the winter without dieing...

...which is actually much closer to the actual Samhain than the Wiccan interpenetration...

...And far closer than the Witchcraft Satan Worshiping born again Christian belief...

At least, in as much as the Catholic holiday of All Souls Day which was later changed to All Saints Day which was later turned to All Hallows Day which was turned into Halloween is a holiday commemorated by a feast in honor of the departed, which was exactly what Samhain was originally celebrating, with the addition of the end-of year harvest.  Which made it like the Irish version of the American Thanksgiving & celebrated for pretty much the exact same reasons.

You know, that you were going to make it through the winter.

But this was warped once more in England when they killed Guy Fawkes on a bonfire for trying to kill a protestant king who was committing a genocide against the Catholics, which we have already covered in a previous post.

It was a holiday presently called Bonfire Day where everyone would dress up as Guy Fawkes, wear the same mask & go door-to-door asking for spare change in mockery of the poor Catholic populations before they burned an effigy of Guy Fawkes at the stake in remembrance of the day that they stopped a man that tried to stop a genocide by blowing up the House of Lords.

When it came to America, however, the mask was replaced by a mask of a monster in reference to a Celtic tradition that was co-opted by the Neopagans as a day celebrating the spirits of the underworld...but only after the monster mask replaced the slutty outfit.

In the Roaring Twenties the tradition really took off & Halloween became a holiday celebrated across the country & intended strictly for adults as it was a holiday made for drinking too much & the slutty costumes that we mentioned at the start of this post.

Even though it was a strictly Catholic Holiday intended to remember the dearly departed that had not preformed the 3 miracles needed become a Saint.

And the Booze & the Sex & the fact that it was Catholic now meant that the WASPS, took their Puritanical & very racist anti-Catholic views & started to claim that the holiday was made by witches & evil, evil, evil, because it was a day that Alan Moore celebrated when he worshiped Satan who was really the Green Man who was an image that the Neopagans burrowed from Catholic Churches.

Which is why, today, in many churches & sometimes even in the more conservative Catholic Churches, Halloween is seen as a day celebrating the Devil & not, well, a Catholic holiday celebrating the people that weren't going to make it through the winter.

That is until World War II.

And everyone was so sick of death that they wanted something wholesome & pure & turned Halloween into a holiday for their children so they could dress up & look cute & exercise trust in a community by going door-to-door asking for candy...like the kids in England did to mock the Catholics on a day that was celebrated because Guy Fawkes failed to stop a genocide.

Which lasted until the Baby Boomers all grew up & carried the dressing up tradition into the adulthood which then turned that two decades of a purely innocent children's holiday into the decadent adult holiday that we were initially celebrating when the United States first started celebrating the Catholic version of Samhain that was warped by Neopaganism & everyone started to drink to much & dress up like sluts...again...

Only this time it was after the kids went out trick-or-treating which was a warped take on the celebration that the British did to celebrate when King James killed all the Catholics in England.

Which the WASPS would largely support, if they knew the history & didn't call it a day to worship the Devil because, you know, they get their history from late night television & not even from Alan Moore (who can tell you all about Guy Fawkes & witches) or, you know, from actual history.

But that is fine with them, because attributing the Holiday to Satan, who they call Sam Hain because the writers of Supernatural are clearly about as factual as the Baptist Church, will prevent their faithful practitioners from celebrating a Catholic Holiday that is intended to come with an ample amount of booze & allow women to dress up as sluts, which for some reason they oppose & don't encourage, which makes no sense to me because women should look at sluts as a positive & not a negative.  Something to strive for.

Savvy?

That's a lot of twists & turns & losts in translations just so we could create a holiday that celebrates near nudity in, you know, one of the colder times of the year.

And it is that cold that makes us all really, REALLY love Halloween, or at least slutty Halloween costumes...which is a word that we are using as a positive & not at all as an insult &, if done right, are thin enough to tell you exactly how cold it is.

I'll leave you with this:

Rape Me

Damn, now that Obama is cracking down on rape I'm never going to get laid.

Yeah, I went there & yeah, it's not funny.

Now mind you there are very funny rape jokes.

For those of you that are as old as I am, the whole "brain on drugs" commercials are what you remember, but, in the 1990s there was also a anti-drug commercial that is far less prominent in the American psyche.

"My mom is my anti-drug" it featured a series of teens that would have looked hip in the 1980s yuppie culture expressing their views on why they don't do drugs.  "Sports are my anti-drug. Reagan is my anti-drug.  Hunter Thompson is my anti-drug.  Music is my anti-drug."

We all know that last one is bull shit, our record collections are bad ass thanks to drugs...so is our art collection & most of the better books we've read. 

While watching that commercial in high school, one of my friends turned to me & said:

 "Rape is my anti-drug."

It came out of the fucking blue & is still one of the top-ten funniest things anyone has said in my life.

"What if the worst possible thing you could think of was my anti-drug? Would you still want me to not do drugs?"

Back in the day, he was always good for an out-of-the-fucking-blue remark that would send you to stitches.  He'd be laying across the back seat of my car, manning the radio & then pop his head up to say something hysterical.

Of course, what we really remember from the 90s is the Rachael Leigh Cook add because, yeah, she's still the most adorable thing in Hollywood & she can actually kinda really act.  You know, unlike some stars that have bigger names & absolutely zero emotional range

They shouldn't be together should they?  I mean, Brad Pitt can actually act.  Sure, he does his best when he's playing someone a little off, but he's done drama well & he's done comedy well & you really don't need to act in action movies but all his wife seems to do is have nice lips.

It's an unfair matching.

Anyway, today is a touchy subject, because we are going to talk about something that, well, none of us would be here without.

One of the most important things you learn about history is that people move.

That's right, we're talking about rape.

Nirvana has done a lot of songs about rape haven't they?  Disproportionate to just about every other band.

OK, whatever, first we need to talk about African-Americans & reveal a horrible fact.  And if we are going to take a minute to talk about African-Americans & horrible facts, we should probably go to the one African-American face that everyone knows.  The man that really won the Civil Rights Movement that we are still fighting in American...

Fuck.  My bad.  I blame Hollywood.  I really didn't mean to stick you with Denzel Washington...I have an obvious hatred there.  He seems to take Spike Lee's side & attack Samuel Jackson for staring in good movies.

And that's just vulgar because Spike Lee hasn't made a decent movie since Malcolm X.  So really, they should both shut up about Django Unchained.

There we go, that's the face we wanted.

Malcolm X was very open about the fact that he had white blood in him.

If you are an African-American that can trace his/her roots back to slavery you have about 100% odds that somewhere along the line, you were related to the master of the house.

Which also means that somewhere along the line, you were a slave that was owned by your father.

Now you can go ahead & take Malcolm X's word for it, but Harriet Jacobs describes it with an account so visceral that will make you sick.

"Cherokee" is actually the code word for it because the fact is, if you are an African-American that can trace their lineage back to slavery in America the chances are about 100% that somewhere along the line you were a product of rape between master & slave.

But the thing is...

If you are a white southerner in America that can trace their roots to the antebellum south, the chances are about 70% that you were the product of rape between master & slave.

So the code word is "Cherokee," they are "of Cherokee decent," & that is the term used by both sides of the racial divide in the South to explain certain racial features that reveal a history that they would rather not admit to.  Or it's a lie past down the generations to cover up the shame that comes with southern racism.

So you know, keep it separated, but at the same time interbreed.

You gotta keep them separated.

Think of it like what Strom Thurmond said:

"I'll fuck the help, but I'm not going to pay them a decent wage."

It's not just the American South where that comes into play.  We have other areas where rape has played an enormous part in history as well.

You see that map, it's tracing the Berber language, & yes, for those of you that were educated here in America, that is Africa.

The Berbers were African.

They got conquered by the Arabs when Islam was spreading by the sword.

Now we've already talked about how tough the Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys really are, we've done an entire post devoted to how tough the French were even when climate change was killing them all.

What we haven't covered yet is how weak the Sicilians really are.  When we think of them they are super tough Mafia hit men that can kill you with an icy stare.  But really, throughout history, dating back to the time before Rome, Sicily existed to get conquered.

At first it was the Greeks & the Romans & despite what we think Greeks & Italians look like today, back then they were blond haired & blue eyed & looked a lot like the person that they initially wanted to cast as Michael.

It wasn't until the Muslims came & brought the Berbers from Africa with them as hired guns that the face of Italy changed to resemble the man that eventually ended up being cast as Michael & although Robert Redford is a stellar actor in his own right, we are so fucking grateful that he wasn't cast.

Rape changed the face of Italy, Sicily in specific, but also a lot of Italy.  In fact, it was the Muslims & their citrus groves that created the Mafia, but that is another story.

It also changed the face of Spain, who, after the fall of Roman, was owned largely by the Goths.

Who were Germanic by origin & sorta kinda latter day Celts & well, rape & war sorta kinda go hand-in-hand & it was the same group of conquering rapists that changed the face of Spain that also, earlier, changed the face of Italy only to get their asses kicked by the cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys.

Just like the Muslims & the Greeks, & the Carthaginians & the Romans & even the Americans Sicily was once conquered by the Vikings...because that is what Sicily does best.

And it is the Vikings that take us to our next big change which is really something we already covered.

They sort of went all over the place.  In England & France they came as raiders, in Ireland they came as colonizers...well, first they came as raiders & rapists & then they came as colonizers & at the time, the people that first settled Ireland were the same people that settled Spain before the Romans came & those people had black hair & brown eyes.

It was the Vikings that gave the Irish that distinctive red hair blue eye look that we think of when we think of stereo-typed Irish.  Just like it was the Vikings that brought the Irish their first cities.

It was also the Vikings, through the fact that they traded Vikings to the Arabs as sex slaves, that some people in the Middle East have hair on their chest.

For the most part, people that are truly African have no real body hair to speak of, it's really the Germanic people that are very hairy & that has everything to do with the weather.

The Arabs used to be a lot more African than they are today.  It was really a little from Greece & lot from the Ukraine that brought hair to their chests & legs.

Just like Asians today have no hair on their chests.  They don't exactly carry the gene that makes for an abundance of body hair...& the ones that do are also products of rape & forced displacement.

This time it was Genghis Khan, well, this time it was sort of Genghis, this time it was more the people that came after him that really burned Kiev to the ground & raped their way from the Sea of Japan to the Black Sea.

In this case, most of the DNA from raping was left in the West, what you have in the East was the first real city in Mongolia, made for all the peopl that the Khans were taking back.

Still, a big chunk of Asia can trace their heritage back to Genghis Khan.  That man did a LOT of raping, there were even reports of girls killing themselves before he had a chance at them.

This time the people weren't for breeding, like today, a lot of Asia has a serious problem with racism.  The people that the Khans were bringing back were the intellectuals.  Like today, really smart people are few & far between & the genetic imprint they left behind is Ethiopian thin but present.

One of the most important things you learn about history is that people move.

Alexander moved a lot.

He also fucked a lot & so did his army.

In fact, his army fucked so much that there are still Indians with blond hair & blue eyes, descendents of the soldiers that gave up on him & settled in India.

"I'm thirty-two, I'm gay, I'm on a roll, let's go!"

 If you read this regularly, you already know that in Egypt, the Greek Pharaohs were all about the inbreeding because in the ancient world, proving a blood line that linked you back to Alexander was about the same as linking your blood line back to Augustus in the world of the Middle Ages.

And here's where we make another joke about that horrible Oliver Stone Movie

The same went for India, sort of.  His army left enough of a genetic imprint to help cement the Cast system of ancient India.  The lighter skin you had the higher up you were because the closer you were to Alexander.  Of course, the Indians had a much more esoteric justification for it, but it still came down to Alexander & his army.

Rape & war went together then & it still goes together today.  The genetic markers are in you, but please, don't take my word on where you are from.  For about $100 you can have your DNA tested & find out what made you, or rather who made you & help advance history a little on your way.


I'll leave you with this: