Why Drunks Made Civilization

It won't be long now until the 100th Anniversary.  On 18 July 2025 Mein Kampf will be exactly 100 years old.  Unlike most of the people that claim to know what it's about, I've actually read it.

It was a really hard thing to buy.  You see there are these magical places called college book stores, where, yeah, you can buy & order just about anything without judgement.

Unfortunately the college bookstore was sold out.  Books like Mein Kampf go pretty quick at stores like that where it's sort of assumed that people aren't going to give you that look.  You know THAT look.

"You fucking fascist."  That look.  It is sometimes accompanied with a shake of the head.  "You fucking fascist."

I know that look well, I'm pretty sure I've given it to people before.  I try not to be judgmental, I try to stay as opinionated as ever, but I try not to be judgmental.  Still, there are people that you just can't help but give that look too.

"Protect Religious Liberty" bumper stickers win that look.  "Fucking Fascists, you're doing it wrong.  A single state religion is NOT religious liberty, it's the opposite of religious liberty."

"Protect Marriage" bumper stickers, they also get THAT look.

And people that buy Mein Kampf get that look as well, at least when they have to go to the Border's on State Street & find that..."gasp"...the clerk is Black.  The only thing that could possibly be worse when you are trying to buy a book like Mein Kampf is to have Black clerk wearing a Kippah.

It required a LOT of in & outs.  Well, not really in & outs, but it did require a LOT of cups of coffee at the coffee bar, a lot of fake browsing, all just to work up the courage to walk up to the counter.  All just to avoid that look.  You know, THAT look.

"You fucking fascist."

But the point is that I read Mein Kampf & it was just as sadistic as you would think.

For the conservative crowd that probably would NEVER read this, it spends more time telling its readers how horrible socialists are than it does telling people how horrible the Jews are.  So, you know, learn to read.  Or, rather, learn what words mean, because you lower the collective intelligence of everyone in the room when you use them wrong.

At any rate, Mein Kampf is a book that looks like this:

But if you are conservative it is a book that looks like this:

And it looks like that because you've NEVER read it & you don't know what words mean.

It was written by a man with a funny little mustache that looked exactly like this:

And he's making that face because underneath that uniform he was wearing leather straps that pinched him when he moved & looked exactly like this:

More importantly, it was a book about philosophy that was written by a man that was dead sober.

That's right, Hitler didn't drink at all, he also didn't smoke, & he didn't eat any meat & he got his ass kicked by a cripple that drank a hell of a lot & looked like this:

FDR drank a lot.  He also smoked a lot & he ate meat.

He was also the leader of a country that wrote the first ever Declaration of Independence.

It was written by a man that looked like this:

His name was Thomas Jefferson & when he wrote it he was probably shit faced.

All those people that signed the Declaration of Independence were also shit faced.

Later that same country produced the Constitution of the United States:

It looks like that & it was largely written by a man named James Madison who looked like this:

He was a really smart man that was really sort of blitzed when he wrote it & all the people that signed it into law & created the United States of America were all locked in a little room with no indoor facilities & lots & lots of rum when they were debating about how & if they were to make a nation built on that document.

And the man that kept feeding them the rum, back in 1776 when they signed the Declaration of Independence & later in 1788 when they signed the Constitution into law was a custodian named Andrew McNair.

And this is exactly how they acted when they were drunk & creating the United States....EXACTLY HOW THEY ACTED:

So, just to recap, so far we have a sober, vegetarian, nonsmoking genocidal maniac who was about as far right as one could go, that got his ass kicked by a martini drinking, chain smoking cripple, who was the president of a nation created by a room full of drunks.

But wait, there is more.  They created that nation based largely off the philosophy of a man named Plato:

Plato was an Ancient Greek philosopher who wrote a book called The Republic:

And when Plato wrote The Republic, you guessed it, he was shit faced.  The man was drunk as a fucking skunk.

Plato was taught by a famous philosopher named Socrates, who was also drunk when he questioned everything.

So to recap thus far:

A little sober vegetarian non-smoker with a funny mustache wrote a book when he was dead sober & then went to a beer hall in Germany & tried to take over the world & then got his ass kicked by a chain-smoking martini drinking cripple that was the head of a country created by a room full of drunken rummies, who based their country off the writings of a drunk wino Greek who was taught by a drunk wino Greek who was even more famous.

Hitler was sober & conservative & thought a LOT of people needed to be killed because of that.  He wanted to kill the Jews, the Intelligentsia, the cripples, the Socialists, & the Communists.  But he also wanted to kill all the Homosexuals in the world.

Socrates slept with men & women & drank a hell of a lot of wine.  He taught Plato who slept with both little boys & women & drank a hell of a lot of wine.  Plato taught Aristotle, who slept with men & women & drank a hell of a lot of wine.

Aristotle taught Alexander the Great who slept with men, drank a hell of a lot of wine, took over the known world, just like Hitler wanted too, who was straight & didn't drink, & had the worst Oliver Stone movie ever made based on his story:

So what the hell is happening here?

I'll tell you.

Ancient Egyptians rarely lived beyond the age of 27.  They died young, just like Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, & all the other great people in the world.  If I was an Ancient Egyptian I would be a very old man & very, very dead.  I would be a mummy with no penis & we will talk about that in a future post.

Now some of the Ancient Egyptians lived for a very long time.  Sometimes upwards of 80 years.  But they were the wealthy Ancient Egyptians & they drank Jewish wine.

Grapes cannot grow in Egypt & despite what you heard, it was really the Sumerians that invented beer & not the Egyptains, so the wealthy upper class got to drink wine & beer & the poor people only had water to drink & water kills.  So they imported their wine from Israel who was famous for wine making before the Greeks & Romans really existed.

It wasn't until the modern era, it wasn't until really the past fifty-years that water became safe to drink & if you watch the news & pay attention to all the chemicals that corporations are spilling into our water supply, even today in the United States, water isn't the safest thing in the world to drink.

But beer & wine & booze are very safe to drink & have been for thousands of years because of the way that they are made.  The process that makes the liquid make you drunk is the same process that makes spirits safe to drink.

This means that back in the day, you drank wine & beer & not water.  Wine was good & made you live longer.  Water was bad & killed you dead.

The Torah tells you to drink wine & not water.  It tells you to give wine, not water, to the sick, & it tells you to give very strong booze to the dieing.

The ancient Sumerians & the Babylonians passed laws that clearly state that you had to give your slaves a gallon of beer a day to keep your honor with the gods & if you didn't you were a cruel master & they would take your slaves away.

The Persians, well they only had one God, but they made sure that they had stores of beer to give to the poor that could only afford water so that the poor would not die.

Even pirates, that are famous for drinking rum...

They were drinking rum because they knew that rum was safer to drink than water & they already had enough ship-born illnesses to deal with.

Pirate law, by the way, was also one of the things that we based our legal system on here in the United States.

And we made that legal system when our founding fathers were locked in a little room with Andrew McNair feeding them lots of rum because the water was not safe to drink & would probably kill them.

So, to recap & summarize & all of that, we had a college student drinking coffee at a Borders on State Street because he had to read a book written by a sober vegetarian non-smoker genocidal maniac that tried to take over the world & kill all the cripples & homosexuals & intelligentsia, that got his ass kicked by a cripple martini drinking member of the intelligentsia who was married to a homosexual & the President of a nation what was created by a room full of drunks who based it on a boat full of drunk pirates & the writings of homosexual drunk Greeks who taught one another right up to Alexander the Great who actually did take over the world.

I'll leave you with this: