ZigZag, It's More than Just Rolling Paper

There are times in our lives when we really just want to be someone else.  And you certainly know who that someone else is.  You can close your eyes & wish for riches & power but you know you're just going to end up wishing you were James Bond.

Just for one mission...please.

Do you know what would happen if I got that wish? 

Yup.  Right on.   I would die a horrible death, probably in the opening credits, it will be guaranteed to be a stupid death.  It would make for the absolutely shortest dumbest Bond movie you could ever see...also the last.

That's why it's a wish, a fantasy, because in real life I know I'd make a horrible James Bond, I'm not in great shape, I'm far from smooth, & let's be frank, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box & I'm really very easily distracted.

Still....

What could possibly be better than being James Bond?

I know, that's an easy answer.  The one thing better than being James Bond is being the actual James Bond.  You know, the Sean Connery James Bond:

Of course, that is the only thing that makes any sense.  Sean Connery ended up getting Pussy Galore. He literally ended up getting Pussy Galore & Johnny Lee Miller wouldn't touch her with yours.

And that's awesome because Sean Connery was followed by the Bond that stuck around too long & turned the franchise into more of a joke & he didn't end up getting Pussy Galore.

That Bond was Roger Moore he could have been a lot better & he missed out on Pussy Galore.  Instead of getting Pussy Galore he ended up getting Plenty O'Toole which is sort the wrong kind of erotic.  Plenty O'Toole is a little more homoerotic isn't it?

I know, she is a lot more attractive than Pussy Galore & when you hear her name you don't instantly think "VD." But still, what else is Plenty O'Toole hiding underneath that dress?

It's really more Plenty O'Rack isn't it?

Honestly, this really is about history, I swear to God.

I promise you, you will never read anything more historically relevant & serious than you do in this blog.

I just need to build up to it, get your mind in the right place, the gutter.  Because that is sort of exactly where our story starts.

So, honestly, the only thing better than being James Bond, is being a James Bond that looks almost exactly like Errol Flynn.

Now Sean Connery got pussy galore but if he looked like this, well, he would have been in like Flynn wouldn't he?

Nope.  This post has nothing to do with Errol Flynn but it sort of does have everything to do with James Bond, well a James Bond character...that looked like Errol Flynn.

His real name is Eddie Chapman, better known as Agent ZigZag & that's his mugshot.

No, I'm joking, it's not his mugshot, that's his MI5 photograph.

He does have a mugshot...I'm sorry, accuracy...He has several mugshots & I already told you that this story kinda sorta starts in the gutter.

Chapman was born on 16 November 1914 & he was a pretty shady character.  He was born into a family of shady characters, he was kinda shady when he was a kid & when he grew up he got even shadier.

But it was the type of shady that seems like a hell of a lot of fun to be around.

He wasn't the sort of Woody Harrelson, Mickey Knox, old QT is going to remake The Badlands shady.

He was more along the lines of the Johnny Depp, John Dillinger, let's blow a safe, make sure no one gets hurt, & then have a night on the town sort of shady.

"I'll crack the safe, you buy the Champagne.  Make sure you get the Dom Perignon otherwise we'll have to do this all over again."

That &

"He looks like a sporting chap, hold my jacket & Webley while I go a few rounds."

Now, even in England where they have that attitude thing, you know that sort of: "He blew a safe?  Really?  Does he want tea?" attitude, well, that type of behavior will still land you in jail.

"Good show mate, you caught me."

He was a bit older in that picture, but that is a pose he struck a lot in his life.

So when he was 17, to avoid his first jail sentence he joined the British Army & he impressed everyone so much, because he was so clever, that they assigned him to the Second Battalion of the Coldstream Guards.


That's right, they actually made old Eddie Chapman one of the Guards at the Tower of London.  Which is sort of the American equivalent of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. 

You know, full dress uniform, straight back ceremonial work & if you are a British citizen it's sort of an honor.  One that you take very seriously.

If you are Eddie Chapman you get bored really quickly & decide to go AWOL.

And start doing heists...again...because daring-do is much more entertaining than guarding a tower.

And you're a teenager that sort of looks like Errol Flynn, only you are probably smarter than Flynn because you know how to crack safes & safely use high explosives....when you are only 17.

So old Eddie get's a job as a part time movie extra & works as a full time safe-cracker & starts having affairs with high-society women all over Scotland.

He has it made, doesn't he old boy?

Until he hires a friend to take pictures of him boning the high society women & promptly gets arrested for blackmail.

You know, because unlike Paris Hilton, society women are NOT porn stars

"Good show mate, you've caught me."

Unfortunately you were AWOL from the military, Eddie & they already know how smart you are.  So this time, when they lock you up, they send you to jail.

But your buddies come through & make bail & set you free...

...only to get you arrested again....Almost instantly.

 "Good show mate, you've caught me...again."

So this time they send old Eddie to the Channel Islands & lock him up in a prison there.  Even if he does escape, he really can't go anywhere but somewhere else on the island.

Scotland Yard is done fucking with you, Eddie.  You're too much of a problem they just want you out of their hair,

But the thing is that prison is really boring.  You're locked in a little cell Eddie, you can't go out on the town, there are no bars, no nightclubs, & no high society women to wine & dine.

This is a problem for Eddie Chapman, because England wants him in jail & Eddie just wants to have a little fun.

So the only logical thing for him to do is break out of prison.  But the thing is, he's wearing prison clothes & he doesn't have anything nice.  So on his way out of prison he breaks into the warden's house & steals his best suit & tie....& takes his Webley revolver just in case.

So now he's on the loose & he's armed & he needs money so he breaks into a local bank & cracks the safe without firing a single shot.

He walks away with more than enough money to get a ticket off the Island & out of England.  So instead of making a run for it, he goes out & eats a good meal & goes dancing & wines & dines until the early morning hours.

The police are focusing their search on the possible escape routes & not on the night club.  So Eddie spends the night unmolested by the authorities & goes for a walk on the beach to watch the sunrise.

That's where he gets stopped by a lone officer, who is unarmed.

It would not be sporting to shoot an unarmed man, but Eddie doesn't mind a good fight.  It wasn't until he loses the fight that he informs the police officer that yes, he has a pistol & a few sticks of TNT on his person & could the Bobby kindly remove them before he takes him back to jail.

The thing is, now they are locking Eddie down tighter than ever, but that doesn't matter because, in less than a month...

World War II is up & kicking & the Nazis invade the Channel Islands.

And the Nazis can read English & the report on Eddie Chapman's escape really impresses them.  They also figure that a con like Eddie would have no real loyalties to England.

Eddie might be a con & a safe-cracker & a blackmailer, & AWOL from the military, & a bank robber, & a suit robber & an escape-artist but you know...

...King & country.

 Eddie might have been a shady character, but he was a shady British character.

And so when the Nazis offered to make him a spy he said "sure.  It sounds like fun."

And then he went to Germany, Nazi Germany, & they taught him all the skullduggery they could & they gave him a top secret mission to parachute back into England, under the cover of night, with a list of targets to bomb & an extraction plan by a submarine.

They even gave him an assumed name & fake credentials.

And they put him on a bomber & parachuted him into England.

But Eddie was a sporting man, & yes, British...King & Country & all that.  So the moment he landed he walked to the nearest house & called MI5.

 This time he turned himself in...the moment he landed, & told the British exactly who he was & what the Nazis were using him for.

So the British started using him as a double agent & blew up all the targets he was supposed to blow up...after making sure everyone was safe & it wouldn't really hurt production...

...And then they sent him back to Germany...

...& Hitler was so impressed that he gave Eddie the Iron Cross:

Eddie was sort of flattered by this.  It moved him, he was very emotional.  Winning the Iron Cross was a very hard thing to do if you were German but it was nearly impossible to win if you were a British citizen working for MI5 to undermine the Nazis.

Agent ZigZag, as his MI5 handlers called him, was & is the ONLY British citizen to win the Iron Cross in World War II.

In fact he did such a good job that the Nazis told him all about how to use the V2 rockets & how to target them.

And then they asked him nicely if he wouldn't mind going back into England & setting up some of the more important targets so that they could win World War II.

And Eddie said "Sure."

So he turned himself in the moment he landed & England.  Only this time he did a little safe-cracking when he was over in Nazi Germany winning the Iron Cross & so he gave MI5 everything he could...again.

Needless to say that they were very impressed & wanted to send him back to Germany but his handler said...

"No!  Eddie is a pain-in-the-ass to work with!  Agent ZigZag is giving me an ulcer!  He's banging EVERYONE in the Norwegian resistance!  He's out drinking every night, he does what he wants to, not what we tell him to, like 'Don't Break Into Any German Safes!'"

So they retired him, despite the fact that he went above & beyond. 

And Nazi Germany thought he was dead & awarded him the Honor Cross.

So Eddie had nothing fun to do any longer.  He couldn't join the war effort & fight as a soldier because if he was captured the cat would be out of the bag & would sort of out nearly ALL the women in the Norwegian resistance.

So he spent the rest of the war driving targets for V2 Rockets out of London & into empty fields.

So there you go, that's the story of how England produced one of the most decorated people in all of Nazi Germany.

I'll leave you with this:

...Bond Will Be Back

...In Bond 24

The sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel...the sequel