The Hellfire Club...This Time it is Porn

This May Not Be Suitable For Children Under the Age of 18

Yeah, I hear "Hellfire Club" & my mind goes straight to that as all.  Well, it sort of goes straight to the White Queen.  The old uniform that she wore, not the new one.  The new one has a bit more skin but the old one was just super sexy.

And parents wonder why their kids love comic books & cool guys wonder why dorks like us are obsessed with them, even well into their thirties.

There's a reason for that & I think the late, great, Hunter S. Thompson said it best:

"When you get locked into a serious comic book collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can."

Actually no, he didn't say that at all.

Moving on....

Today we think of the X-Men & the White Queen & whats-his-name that invented the Sententials before The Terminator was made & what's his name that was kinda sorta bullet proof, & Magneto  & if you read the Grant Morrison run you think of a mutant strip club...which is so much closer to the truth.

But, what you really should be thinking of is this:

Now I want you to pause & kneel down before the hard work that I put into this blog.  It is nearly impossible to Google the words "nun in bondage" & not get tits, ass, & cock.

I mean I try to keep this as clean as I can & I know each post will get an "R" rating for the use of the word "fuck."  You know, because "Fuck" is my favorite word, it is so versatile, & if you use it more than one time you get an "R" rating.

But you can totally kill as many people as you want in a movie & it will still be "PG."

Which is all well & good, but when you Google "nuns in bondage" most of the images you get will move your post well into the "XXX" no NC-17 for you. Not without some serious searching.  Go for it, give it a try, it's really difficult, because essentially you are looking for unpornographic porn.

And that is really missing the point.  I mean, when you hear the word "Hellfire Club" your mind should instantly conjure up pornographic images of the clergy.  That is seriously the only appropriate conclusion to jump to.

In fact, if you hear the words "Hellfire Club" & you don't think of porn, you really don't know your history.

So today, we are ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING.  There's no Knights Templar here, this post is going to have some serious deep dicking!

But first, Libertarian BS Conspiracy Theory time: 

The general belief is that the Hellfire Club is more proof that the Jews, through the Rothschild family controls the entire world.

That's right, we have yet another anti-Semitic Libertarian rewrite of history to cover before we move into what actually happened.

For those of you that visit their websites you will find sentences like this:

"The possible connection between the American founding fathers, the Rothschild family and the Illuminati would be incomplete without taking into account a key figure: Benjamin Franklin."

 Now I went ahead & highlighted a word there & that word is Rothschild & that is important because they are a Jewish banking family that got rich in the Middle Ages because of what we covered in the last post.

You know, Shakespeare & Joss Whedon.

Anyway, if you read about what the Libertarians have to say about the Hellfire Club you will find a picture of Ben Franklin under the words:

"The Judeo-Masonic Conspiracy"

Now they say the first person that uses the word "Nazi" or "Hitler" in an argument loses the debate, but in this case, as with all things Libertarian, you will find the exact same arguments on the American Nazi Party website.

It's not bull shit, you can find all the Libertarian arguments if you click on this link.  Libertarians are Nazis.  In the case of the Hellfire Club it's a little extra anti-Semitic a little too pro-holocaust for my blood.

I am not going to repeat it, because that might be a form of respect & some people might believe it & try to kill all the Jews again.

In fact, you will find the entire Libertarian platform on the American Nazi Party's website...save the legalization of pot.

But you know, swing buy & check it out.  The only difference is that The Libertarians blame the Rothschild family & pretend they aren't racist & the Nazis blame the Rothschild Family & are openly racist.

So you know, support this guy:

Because we all should be good little Nazis.

Moving on...

Back to deep dicking.

Here's what actually happened & I can promise you that is has absolutely nothing to do with the Jews & the Rothschild family & the Federal Reserve Bank.  In fact it really revolves around one thing:  Sex.

You see, once upon a time there was a man named Sir Francis Dashwood & he was a Baronet, the 2nd Post Master General of England & like all royalty he was a bit dim.

"You're a plumber, what on Earth is that?"

No, he really was sort of stupid & really sheltered to the outside world & he didn't know what it was like to actually live outside of England & even then he didn't know what the majority of people were like & how hard it was to survive & he was really...

Well, there's a better way to describe old Frank's world view.

There's a better way to describe old Frank's IQ.

There's a better way to describe old Frank's experience outside the aristocracy.

Please take a moment to take me seriously.  This is only vaguely a joke, but the best way to possible describe what Dashwood was is by showing you this picture:

The only difference is that Frank had a wing-ding & things & Paris Hilton does not.  BUT, I'm sure that if she traveled back to London in 1719 she'd get along great with Frank & in no time at all she'd be dressing up as a nun & getting some serious deep dicking by a drunken mob of British Royalty...& Ben Franklin.

We'll get to him.  It turns out when he was in London he was doing a lot more than burying bodies in his basement.

Anyway Frank was a spoiled rich brat from England....If you look at the map below you will find it in the light blue & if you are like certain family members who used to live there I'll need to point out that it is the ISLAND on the West of Europe.  Otherwise you are looking at Germany.

Any way, back then, like today it was considered hip & very bourgeoisie for you child to go "see the world" once they got old enough & like today, what people mean when they use the word "The World" is actually only a tiny peninsula off of Asia.

And more accurately, what they mean by "The World" is actually just "Spain, France, Germany, & Italy."  With, you know, "England & Ireland" added in if you are from the US.

So congratulations.  If you've seen six countries you've seen the entire world.  You know, all of this:

So, Frank being the 18th century version of Paris Hilton, when he was out seeing "The World" to learn about culture & literature & history & make himself a more rounded individual, he was really just doing a lot of this.

But he was doing it in a lot of different countries, so it does still count as being well traveled.  Seriously, you can learn a LOT in bars.  Ask me sometime how the Mormon's saved Quincey.

The trick is to go into a bar where the local townies are.  My buddy Matt is a great example, he'll claim to know nothing about history & then you go drinking with him & find out that he can tell you everything you want to know about the local Dole Mansion.

Unfortunately, Frank wasn't interested in drinking with the townies & learning the local history.  Like Paris Hilton, he was more interested in bars like this:

 And he does this through Spain & through France & all through Germany & unfortunately he thinks he's Hunter Thompson, but really doesn't have the self control.
 
When he got shit-faced he got REALLY shit-faced.

Then he hit Italy...the country that looks like a fuck-me-boot:

He was already hitting it like an addict.  He was doing a little more than just drinking.  He was smoking dope & opium & eating magic mushrooms & really treating every country he went to like Johnny Depp used to treat hotel rooms.

It's like what Hunter Thompson said:

"Once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can."

Frank pushed it & pushed it & pushed it until it wasn't only the places he stayed where he was wearing out his welcome, but it was also the countries & the Italian that he hired to show him around was getting pissed at him too, because he was risking deportation through association.

And then Frank saw it:

Now the thing that you need to know about Italy, both then & now is that there are a shit-ton of churches & a shit-ton of places to get shit-faced.  In fact, the only place in the world, the actual world, that has more churches & watering holes per-capita is Malta.

So now you know where to plan your next vacation.  Lovely beaches.

Moving on...

Like all good drug users & drunks, Frank comes up with a really great idea.

Now...we've all done things like that before.  Sometimes you get fucked up & the world is boring & you come up with what you think is a GREAT idea.  Unfortunately, when you sober up, that great idea turns out to have been a really horrible idea but now you have a fairly amusing story to tell.

You've been there, I've been there, but Frank Dashwood took it to an extreme.

So he brought a Devil Costume, he had a lot to drink, he took a lot of drugs & he brought himself a whip...or a flogger...or whatever you call these things:

And then he went into a church, acted like the Devil, & flogged the crucifix & some of the old women praying.

Then he went to a bar, had another shot, & went to the next church.

Then he went to the next bar, had another shot, & hit up the next church.

He started at sun rise & went church-bar, church-bar, church-bar until well after sunset.

By the time Old Frank was done, he was too fucked up to stand on his own & his Italian tour guide--appropriately horrified--carried him home & just dropped him on his bed in disgust.  Then he changed into his white night gown & went to sleep in his room across the hall.

The white night gown is really important to this story.  Because about an hour later Frank woke up, still heavily intoxicated.

He woke up because he heard screaming & he looked over to the source & on his balcony he saw an imp, sent by Satan himself to drag him to hell.

Actually, no, what he really saw was too cats fucking. 

You know how their eyes sort of glow in the dark?  You know how they don't exactly sound human?  Well...

When you are as smart as Paris Hilton & on as much drugs as Hunter Thompson, & when you are living in the early 18th Century when everyone is super religious, two cats fucking could easily be an imp from hell.

Jesus was mad at him for what he did in the church & the devil sent one of his minions to drag old Frank to hell.

Naturally, Frank started to scream in terror.  No, don't be all judgmental, you'd scream too if the devil sent a four-eyed imp to drag you to hell.

But then, God intervened & sent an angel in white:

And that angel frightened the imp away & told Dashwood to go back to bed.

But the thing is that escaping death isn't exactly something that is going to allow you to easily go back to sleep, no matter how fucked up you are.  So old Frank waited as long as he could & then walked across the hall & woke up his Italian tour guide & told him all about the imp & the Angel.

And the tour guide listened without interrupting.

And when he was finished he nodded & decided that maybe it would be best if Frank had at least a little fear of God, so he said:

"I thought I saw an angel."

And the next morning they both got deported & were forced to return to England.  Frank brought the Italian tour guide because he had nowhere else to go & it was sort of his fault he got kicked out.

This is what all Italians look like:

So Dashwood isn't so much a born again Christian when he gets back to England, he's more of a super devout Catholic.  He saw the devil & he saw God & now he was going to turn over a new leaf.  His old wild ways were gone.  He was going to be a good, pure man again to repent for his sins because God forgave him & found it in his heart to protect him.

Needless to say the Brat Pack back in England were shocked by the new turn of personality in their old friend Frankie.  Something happened to him when he was touring "The World" & they needed to find out.

But the thing is that every member of the Brat Pack was smarter than Paris Hilton & they didn't believe a word about God & the Devil & the Imp & the Angel.

So while they are trying their best to find out what really happened old Frank is giving speeches about religion to Parliament  & supporting Catholic causes & becoming the Bruce Wilkinson of his day & just as full of shit.

Because like Wilkinson, he really knew fuck-all about theology & he knew even less about Catholicism, but hey, "A" for effort.

Meanwhile his old buddies kidnap the Italian tour guide & took him out drinking.  Over the course of many beers, the Italian talks & tells Dashwood's old friends what really happened that day in Rome.

They take the news & act like all good friends do, you know, they make fun of him relentlessly for it & "two cats fucking," becomes the running punch line for years to come.

Needless to say that Dashwood doesn't react to this well & he turns his back on God.

He seriously turns his back on God, but he also wants to make it up to his friends.

The Hellfire Club was born.

That's actually the Irish Hellfire Club.  Originally it was in London, it was actually originally an Abbey on the Thames because Old Frank wanted to forsake God as much as he could.

There we go, that's the English Club.

If there was one thing he knew how to do it was sin.

So he hired just about every artist he could & commissioned them to make the most pornographic & satanic images & statues that they could.

The Hellfire Club became the Studio 54 of it's time.  By the time it really got up & rolling the Brat Pack turned into the Rat Pack of its time & the only way to gain entrance was to be a celebrity & yes, Ben Franklin got an invitation to the party.

Because nobody partied like Ben Franklin. 

And to show his gratitude for the invitation, he hand crafted a lamp in the form of a bat with an enormous erection:

That's not the lamp, it's actually harder to find Ben's Hellfire Club lamp on line than it is a non pornographic picture of nuns in bondage...but, it's real & it's actually at the Museum of Witchcraft, well "the Mound" in Edinburgh.  If you want to see the handmade Ben Franklin bat-cock, you can go here:

The Mound, Edinburgh EH2 2EL, United Kingdom

 +44 131 624 6200

Moving on...

People said that there was a lot of this going on & there were protests that followed:

Of course that wasn't really happening & only a small percentage of the population really believed that line.  The rest of them treated it like this:

Needless to say that when you have that much press & publicity it is nearly impossible to have the proper drunken orgies.

Especially when ladies of influence want to attend.

It's one thing if a man digs the drunken orgies, but for some reason women don't like the whole "slut" label.

I really don't understand that.  As a man, I encourage sluts.  Clearly the world would be a better place if all women were sluts, but women don't want to be sluts so the Hellfire Club had to relocate somewhere more private to keep its female members happy.

So they moved it from an Abbey on an island on the Thames in the center of London, to an underground mine in the country side & thus avoided the press & kept the good name of its female members.

It went from Studio 54 to a secret society all so they could still have princesses & duchesses & women of power dress up as nuns & preform black masses as a form of foreplay before they get tied up & fucked.

Like I said: "Nuns in bondage:"

In the comic books we see the Hellfire Club as an active secret society of evil mutants plotting world domination.  In the Libertarian Conspiracy Monkey world we see it as an active secret society of Jews & Freemasons intent on taking over the world through the Rothschild family & the Federal Reserve Bank & the United Nations...but it's not racist.

In the American Nazi Party & the now defunct Soviet-bitch-slapped actual Nazi Party the story is exactly the same as the Libertarian story of the Hellfire Club, but this time it is racist.

And in the Alex Jones X-Files was a documentary filmed in real time I want to believe world it is the exact same conspiracy theory only the Jews are actually a race of Lizard Aliens.

NONE of these theories are correct.

What the Hellfire club actually is, is Studio 54 orgies of the 18th Century attended by global celebrities & founded by a man that liked to get drunk & flog Jesus, only to be publicly embarrassed by two cats fucking on a balcony.

And my parents keep telling me that they wish the world was as wholesome & innocent as it was in the past.

I'll leave you with this:

The Freemasons Now Bull Shit Free

Yeah, you conspiracy buffs are going to fucking HATE this one.

So the Freemasons, yeah, people have said a lot about them haven't they?  I suppose that's what you get when you are a hush-hush oh-so-secret secret society.  The more you try to keep things to yourself, the more people are going to talk about you.

Unfortunately for the Masons, it's currently the Libertarians that are targeting their insanity on them.  The Alex Jones types.  The types that believe in their heart of hearts that there is a vast global conspiracy of blood sucking lizard aliens that are working towards a New World Order & somehow it all comes back to Kenneth Jones & the movie V.

Now, normally I take great pleasure in making fun of the Libertarians & their theories about FEMA death camps & Jewish conspiracies & how the Death Star was really behind the 9-11 attacks.  I know it's mean to make fun of the mentally retarded, but those are the types of crazy that I really can't resist.

BUT...in this case they kinda do sorta maybe have a vague point.

What?

Well,  the Freemasons are not the evil conspiracy monkeys that the retarded conspiracy monkeys claim they are.  But that doesn't mean that they didn't do their fair share in forging the destiny of the globe & bringing about a new world.

Actually, just from their position alone, the Freemasons sorta kinda had to.  There was really no way a lot of history could have unfolded without their help....even if they weren't really trying to help.  I mean they have their symbols carved into every part of the United States.  And let's face it, more than any other group, the Freemasons deserve to have their heraldic imagery on US currency & in the capital building & wherever they want it to be.

I mean, if it wasn't for the Freemasons we would all be speaking English right now?

What?

It goes beyond that, if it wasn't for the Freemasons, the Mexicans, the Peruvians, the Ecuadorians, the Colombians, & the Bolivians would all be speaking Spanish right now.

What?

And that's just the Americas.  If you look at the people of the world, the Freemasons were instrumental in assuring that they were free not to speak the language that they are currently speaking.

But don't worry, it has nothing to do with Jewish conspiracies, Lizard Aliens, or New World Orders.  Bull shit like that is just the nature of a hush-hush organization, or at least a good hush-hush organization.

So...what are the Freemasons?

Well, if you ask some of them & ALL of the Alex Jones idiots they are actually the Knights Templar.

The First Crusade captured the Holy City in 1099 & since it was held by the "friendlies" again there were thousands of Europeans making pilgrimages to the Holy Land & with travelers comes highwaymen &, congratulations, they had to find a way to protect the good guys from the bad guys.

So two knights, so poor that they only had a single horse, asked for the right to guard the pilgrims.  The Pope granted them that right & the Knights Templar were formed.

They got their name because they asked for a base of operations in the Holy Temple, or what was left of what people thought was the Temple after Titus had destroyed it's sequel.  And they took to sleeping in the stables.

So there you go, you have the Knights Templar, why they were formed & how they got their name.

So now, in the modern age we have conspiracy theorists saying that the Knights Templar are the Freemasons & we have Freemasons saying that they are the Knights Templar.

If they are the Knights Templar, they are ignoring some of the basic tenets of the knighthood.  For instance:

1. Knights Templar don't fuck.  They are a monastic order & fucking is a sin.
2. Knights Templar do not bathe.  Bathing makes you attractive to the opposite sex & that leads to fucking.  Bathing also is a form of grooming & that means you are vain & not humble like Jesus.

You get the point.  The Knights Templar were all about the not fucking.  They were also all about the Catholicism & more importantly they were all about the warrior monk thing.

They sort of thought of themselves as ancient Jedi Knights.  The irony there is that today we sort of think of them as ancient Jedi Knights.  But they thought they were the first Jedi Knights, before the movie & before the men at Fort Bragg thought they were Jedi Knights because of LSD & MKULTRA.

Clearly not much has changed.  It's just odd that the Templars came up with the idea of a Jedi Knight about a thousand years before the great George Lucas.

So what do we know about the Templars?  We know that out of the fucking blue they became super powerful.  They became a powerhouse in Europe that served the papacy & not the kings who only vaguely served the papacy & sometimes were served by the papacy.

Savvy?

That wealth & loyalty to God & not king meant that they pissed off the kings & the wealth was a nice little treat for the kings that were bankrupt because they were busy fighting everyone that they could, Muslim & Christian & Pagan & Butcher & Baker & Candle Stick Maker.

So....Here is where the conspiracy starts.

The Pope turned against them & France turned against them & arrested a lot of them & the vast Templar fortune that they had accumulated through running the banks in the Holy Land disappeared & the Pope couldn't find it & neither could the king of France.

So the legend goes that the Templars went to Switzerland & started the Swiss banking system with that money that no one could find & then they sailed a fleet of ships to America & hid the money in the money pit & sailed back without telling anyone that they rediscovered America & then they went to Scotland, with all that money that no one could find & fought with William Wallace.  And then, shortly afterwards they founded both Scottish Right Freemasonry & the Illuminati in Bavaria & then started submitting to the Rothschild family that controlled the US Federal Reserve before the Federal Reserve or America were ever rediscovered...again.

Savvy?

Freedom!!!!!

The thing is, well, you know how idiot conspiracy theorists & racists say that the "Jews have all the money?"

It's because of a thing called usury.

Usury:  Noun: The illegal action or practice of lending money at unreasonably high rates of interest.

It is actually a sin.

Despite what the moral majority & the born again crowds in America will tell you, charging interest on loans is very anti-Christian.  You are NOT allowed to do it.  A loan is a loan & you can hand them out, but not accept more than you loaned in the first place.

We had that one on the books because of the hissy-fit Jesus threw in the Temple over the money lenders.

That's why we have horrible racist slurs like "Shylock" in reference to the Jews, because Shakespeare is the fucking man & we picked up a lot of words, good & bad, from him...& Joss Whedon...& because the Jews could run a banking industry in the Middle Ages were as the Christian religion forbade its followers from money lending & banking as a whole.

Let's not forget that first & foremost, the Knights Templar were a religious order:

They were not only religious, but Catholic as well.

What does that mean?

No Usury & No banking so no fortune from that banking.

We get the story because the Knights Templar issued the Middle Age equivalent of a travelers check to pilgrims to help protect them from highwaymen, but their strict religious views forbade them from profiting off of it.

The fortune that the Pope & the king of France were after was simply land.  It was the Middle Ages, food was more important than gold & silver.

That means that the fortune used to start the Freemasons is not Templar in origin & the conspiracy theories that the Libertarian conspiracy monkeys believe is also less than kosher.

Still, we do have the Masons to thank for his attitude:

 OK, so it's not the Templars.  Then where do the Masons come from?

Possibly York, not Scotland & possibly because of the Regius Poem also known as the Halliwell Manuscript which is 64 vellum pages of poem that is sort of the first principle of what we know as Freemasonry, or, rather, what we know of as Masonic beliefs.

Now the script refers back to events that happened in the early 900s which predates the Knights Templar by about 200 years & its origin was in a completely different country.  The Templars were French & the Halliwell Manuscript is extremely English.  I mean, it was written in early English at a time when the nobility of England still spoke French & Latin & not English.

So at least we know that the origins of Freemasonry predates the Templars & we also know that the belief structure behind Freemasonry differs vastly from the extremely Catholic medieval Knights.

Then, in 1482 there was the Matthew Cooke Document, which is the second oldest text  documenting Masonic beliefs. 

So clearly the Masonic order has been around for some time.  But it wasn't officially founded until 1717 which makes its foundation in Scotland a bit younger than Braveheart who was killed in 1305.

So, what is Freemasonry?

It is a secret society & that is really the most important thing we need to know about it.  The other devastatingly important thing is that it is not the Hellfire Club, it was founded as a group of craftsmen, it's roots are humble & it's history is pedigree.

We mentioned before that, yes, the Masons were responsible for starting a new world order & they honestly are.  They kinda sorta started a lot of the Enlightenment, or, more accurately, the moved the Enlightenment from paper to the material world.

For a long time, & even today, class doesn't & didn't really matter when it came to who can be a Mason.

Trust me, I know a tattoo artist in Savannah Georgia that is active in the local lodge.  Super nice guy, kick ass motorcycle, but not anywhere near wealthy.  Cash wealthy.  He is wealthy in life, he has a cool loving wife & a loving goat that his brother-in-law gave him.

Moving on....

The point is, Masonry isn't an organization for the elite uber-rich.  Anyone can join despite class, wealth, & social standing.

Simón Bolívar was a Freemason.  And the fact that he was a Freemason made him as successful as he was in breaking free of the yoke of Spain.

Paul Revere, the man, not the horse, was also a Freemason.

It seems like everywhere you look there is a Freemason involved in revolutionary activity.  Well, there is a reason for that.  Masonic lodges are a secret society thing, they allow people to talk & plot without having to worry about who is listening in.

They also allow people like Adams & Revere & Washington to openly meet & conspire without drawing too much attention to themselves.  Revere, in the English controlled colonies was not someone that the landed gentry could talk to without drawing questions.

My dear, that is simply not done.  A man of Hancock's class would never lower himself to talk to the likes of Paul Revere.  And let's not forget that Paul Revere had a pretty good amount of influence on the tradesmen who would fight for the Revolution, not just pen it.

Connections like that are super important.

But they were also connections that the strict class structure forbade. 

That is, of course, unless they were in a Masonic lodge where class was left at the door.

The Masons are at the heart of every revolution, particularly the ones during the Enlightenment, but it wasn't because the Masons were actively trying to carve a New World Order with the Lizard Aliens & the Illuminati.

It was really a class issue.

The Freemasons were open-minded in an era when the different social classes mingled even less than they do today.  And that allowed for an exchange of ideas.  It allowed for the free exchange of ideas & it allowed people of power, wealth, & influence to hear & see & get to know the people that were being oppressed by the old system,

The tree of liberty, after all, has to be refreshed by the blood of patriots & tyrants & it can only get refreshed with the free exchange of ideas.

During the enlightenment you had the Masonic lodges that created the first wave of revolution that brought down the old order.

For the second round it was forged in the Universities that the Masonic orders helped to create.

That exchange of ideas is a clear & present threat, even today.  That's why we target things like Freemasonry & Universities & the intelligentsia. Because it's not people that bring down the old order & advance society for the better, it's the free exchange of ideas that do it.

Ideas are a lot harder to kill than people are. In order to kill them, once they take root, you have to prove that your idea is better & that is much harder than killing Guy Fawkes...who was NOT a Mason.

I'll leave you with this: