Women have an advantage in the fields of daring-do & skullduggery. They really do. There is one thing that a woman can do & actually get away with & have it all be kinda reasonable.
It just requires a bit of tape in an uncomfortable place.
That's right, women can dress like men & really pass for it. Men, eh, not so much & if we do, we need a LOT more make-up & just end up looking God awful.
That, of course hasn't stopped men from trying over the years. In fact, there has been a truck load of men that have attempted to pass themselves off as women over the centuries, you know, for God & Country.
The first president of a free Ireland Éamon de Valera
Apparently he also tried to disguise himself as a Native American as well, but it didn't work out too well because there are no Indians in Ireland.
But, out of sheer luck & a happy accident, he did successfully disguise himself as US President Harry S Truman.
Nope, this post has nothing to do with Éamon de Valera or the successful independence movement in Ireland, but eventually we will turn that boat in a circle & head it back home.
The Famous highway man Rob Roy also dressed as a woman on more than one occasion.
Which comes as a total shock because dude was man enough to wear a dress everyday & clearly an early Grunge fan.
That's a hell of a lot of plaid. Rob MacGregor was in to Pearl Jam well before they were popular.
And let's not forget the most famous man to ever dress like a woman for God & country, King Louis XVI of France.
Just as a side note, for those of you that don't speak French, It is pronounced "Lou-Ee the Ex-Vee-Eye."
No, I'm joking.
His name was really Louis la Seizième. And yes that was his last name. "la Seizième" which is odd because his predecessor's last name was "le Quinzième" & his father's last name was "Dauphin."
And I don't know what "Bourbon" means.
It's all very confusing.
Three person joke, that was, feel free to roll your eyes at it.
Moving on...
He did it because the French were revolting, but if you knew him as a child, you sort of saw that one coming a mile away.
You see what he's holding in his hand? Yup, that's a yo-yo. I just felt like pointing that out...for no good reason whatsoever.
Honestly, the yo-yo has absolutely no relevance to today's post.
The fact that Louis XVI dressed as a woman, however, has everything to do with this post. So why did he dress as a woman?
Because the French were revolting, yeah, yeah, yeah, we already stole that gag. But what we didn't cover was why the French were revolting.
With every revolution there are a LOT of reasons. There's always one straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back & it usually has something to do with the fact that they are carrying all your straw, enough of it to break their back, & still can't feed their family after doing it all day.
That is sort of the cause for most every revolution in the world, unless you are an American, than the reason is "No taxation," & you totally forget that there's a second, far more important, half to that slogan: "WITHOUT REPRESENTATION."
And you tend to forget it because "no taxation," fits nicely into your conservative world & allows you to identify yourself with revolutionary groups that attacked the East Indian Company (who were doing things that you currently support) but "no taxation without representation," sort of makes your I'm-fighting-for-what-our-founding-fathers-wanted-&-being-a-patriotic-American stance complete & utter bull shit.
Do you see all the Black people in that TEA Party protest outside the capital? It's something you have to really look for. If you look very closely you'll see none in there...yeah, that's because they aren't racist at all.
Nope, nothing remotely racist about that political movement.
But hey, you know, whatever, the TEA party plays. Good for you. Like all Neo-Con Americans you know fuck-all about your own country's history.
That's really not the case in France. Yes, I've actually been there & purchased the cheap bust of Napoleon to prove it. Well, not so much to prove it as I thought that would be the perfectly stereotyped souvenir.
Souvenir, by the way is an appropriately French word.
Anyway....
I've been to France, I own a Napoleon bust, & I know a good deal of French history. Unlike American's, the French ALSO know a good deal of French history. They know more French history than I do & that's really how it should be.
They also speak English better than we do, in the South of France they speak Spanish better than I do--which is not hard--& they probably know more about American history than you do but are disinclined to admit it because they don't want to seem rude by correcting your misconceptions, & don't understand how fucked American education really is.
So, you know, they won't correct you when you insist that they had nothing to do with our victory in the American Revolution. You know, like supplying a navy, artillery, &, you know, actually teaching us how to fight so we don't keep on losing like Washington was doing until they arrived.
They are also the European country that, for a very, very long time, you did not want to fuck with. Today in America we call them "cheese eating surrender monkeys" but they used to be, once upon a time, the country that would seriously kick your ass.
For well over a thousand years the French were the toughest cheese eating surrender monkeys on the block.
And it's not just me saying that either, I met a former SAS soldier in a bar in Montreal that insisted France still has one of the best armées in the world. If the British can admit to that, you know the French had to be tough because those are two countries that have historically hate each other.
As far as Europe is concerned, France is sort of a really big country. They take up a pretty large chunk of the map & if you really look closely at their history, they have a right to be proud.
If it wasn't for the French, you'd be a Muslim right now...& that sort of means that there might be peace in the middle east, but, well, thank the French for it or blame them for it, at any rate, they were the bad asses of their day.
And when you get that sort of tough-as-nails reputation in a time where you fought by swinging three-foot chunks of iron at one another, a lot of pride comes with that reputation. So, you know, over-throwing your own monarchy isn't something you are going to do lightly.
America & Ireland can roll their eyes at shit like that. We weren't rebelling against OUR king, we were rebelling against THEIR king. There's a pretty big difference there.
It doesn't take as much, I don't know, anger? Hatred? Famine? Oppression?
It doesn't take as much whatever to rebel against someone else's divine right monarchy.
What I'm saying is that you have to be a really pissed off cheese eating surrender monkey to be so angry you force your king into a dress in an effort to escape with is life.
You were willing to suffer through a lot for your country but the French aren't any different from anyone else.
There's a line & that line is always the same. Once you start watching your children struggle to keep a roof over their head & food in their belly while your landlords lives in homes like this:
Well that sort of pushes you to the breaking point & makes you so angry that you start to protest. At first it's only a protest. But, over time you start hearing things that only adds fuel to the growing fire.
"The poor don't want to work."
"If we paid them more they wouldn't know the value of hard work."
"I don't want to pay taxes just to feed the people that I'm paying poverty wages."
Of course, like today, the French upper class didn't really pay taxes, but unlike today, the people actually wanted them to pay their fair share.
But you know, we're talking about the cheese eating surrender monkey Aristocracy & not the American corporate Aristocracy so instead of openly insulting the poor & employed they simply said "let them eat cake."
And that attitude enraged the French so much that they started to do a lot of this:
Because not only was the aristocracy living off their labor, but they were also blaming them for being poor. And that really pisses people off.
"Yes, you're going to work for me, I'm going to pay you starvation wages, & it's your fault because you don't work hard enough to have been born rich."
When you finally do take control, you're going to do a LOT of chopping.
But shit like that isn't the only reason. One of the biggest reasons was.
Seriously, climate change deniers caused the French Revolution.
The French Revolution came at the end of what we know as the "Mini Ice Age" & it had the type of weather that you would expect from a name with the words "Ice Age" in it.
Yeah, it hit the America's too. Those of you that know geography, American geography...you know, those of you that aren't form the US...you already know that the Delaware doesn't freeze over.
It really sucked if you were living on most of the globe at that time & it had some monumental effects that changed the world as we know it.
Look at England, back when it was ruled by Rome it was famous for milk, honey, & wine. Yeah, England was in the wine belt of the Roman Empire.
It was actually more famous for its vineyards than France was, but the Mini Ice Age lasted well over a century & it became famous for beer instead:
And since that's a picture of Smithwicks, Ireland did too.
They made the switch because it was a hell of a lot easier to grow wheat in that weather than it was to grow grapes. As we know from the previous post, booze were necessary for life because water kills.
England made the transition, but a lot of people still starved because of the mini ice age. France, on the other hand said "it's just a cold winter, next year will be be back to normal."
If you look at the architecture of the time it was built for a time when the weather was actively trying to kill people...much like it does in Chicago (well remembered).
Back then agriculture was where the wealth was, the industrial revolution hadn't exactly started yet. So instead of having sweatshops, you had peasants & those peasants worked your land for sweatshop wages, or in this case, subsistence food & no wages.
And like the Irish potato famine, the farms were producing enough to feed the population & still turn a profit & like in Ireland, the landowners wanted the same profit, not less profit, so they let their people starve to death so they could net $1,000 dollars in profit rather than just $500 in profit & while they were doing this they kept telling their people.
"The weather will be better next year."
What they were harvesting in France was wheat, which at the time was what England was also harvesting with more success because of the Gulf Stream.
Prussia & Russia, however, were having the exact same problem growing enough wheat to feed their people & keep their economy rolling so they switched from a wheat based economy to a rye based economy.
"But...but...what about the gold standard?"
Idiot.
But you know, those are the Germans & the Russians & what do they know about French cuisine, so it wasn't until Louis the Ex-Vee-Eye came into power that he tried to persuade the aristocracy to change their dining habits to keep the peasants from starving.
So, you know, he actually did try to prevent the revolution.
The thing is wheat bread looks like this:
It's nice & light & it also looks a hell of a lot different than rye bread:
Wheat & Rye, Nope, I can't tell them apart, but the bread looks clearly different & that's all that matters because the French landowners took one look at the type of bread that rye produces & said "no, we would much rather have the people starve than eat dark bread."
Only, you know, they were French so it came out like this: "non, nous aurions préféré avoir les gens meurent de faim que de manger du pain noir."
And the only words that I understood there were "noir" & "faim."
Even though Louis la Seizième was a king ordained by god himself to rule over all of France & the French had to do absolutely everything he said because his voice was the will of God...he just sort of shrugged & said "OK, I tried. One effort. Gave it my best."
And then his wife didn't say: "Let them eat cake," Jean-Paul Marat just said that's what she said. Because propaganda always works well for you cause.
So then we had...
And that is the French version of Lady Liberty & they gave us a giant statue of her that looked like this:
And our statue does NOT have its tits hanging out, but that's unique for images of Lady Liberty. Most of the time, she has her tits hanging out, which leads us to believe that liberty is a bit of a slut.
Why can't I find a woman that walks around topless as much as Lady Liberty?
But we are talking about rye & wheat & France so I meant to ask: "Pourquoi ne puis-je pas trouver une femme qui se promène seins nus autant que Lady Liberty?"
And the only words I understood in that sentence were: "seins" & "niquer" & "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
But that's not the first time we've suffered a war over rye, or want of rye.
We also have rye to, at least partially, thank for World War I & the Russian Revolution which were kinda sorta really big deals, & maybe a story for another time. Or maybe we might just talk about how World War I was brought to you by the color green.
Green might actually make for the better story.
I'll leave you with this:
It just requires a bit of tape in an uncomfortable place.
That's right, women can dress like men & really pass for it. Men, eh, not so much & if we do, we need a LOT more make-up & just end up looking God awful.
The first president of a free Ireland Éamon de Valera
The Famous highway man Rob Roy also dressed as a woman on more than one occasion.
And let's not forget the most famous man to ever dress like a woman for God & country, King Louis XVI of France.
Just as a side note, for those of you that don't speak French, It is pronounced "Lou-Ee the Ex-Vee-Eye."
No, I'm joking.
His name was really Louis la Seizième. And yes that was his last name. "la Seizième" which is odd because his predecessor's last name was "le Quinzième" & his father's last name was "Dauphin."
And I don't know what "Bourbon" means.
It's all very confusing.
Three person joke, that was, feel free to roll your eyes at it.
Moving on...
Honestly, the yo-yo has absolutely no relevance to today's post.
The fact that Louis XVI dressed as a woman, however, has everything to do with this post. So why did he dress as a woman?
Because the French were revolting, yeah, yeah, yeah, we already stole that gag. But what we didn't cover was why the French were revolting.
With every revolution there are a LOT of reasons. There's always one straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back & it usually has something to do with the fact that they are carrying all your straw, enough of it to break their back, & still can't feed their family after doing it all day.
That is sort of the cause for most every revolution in the world, unless you are an American, than the reason is "No taxation," & you totally forget that there's a second, far more important, half to that slogan: "WITHOUT REPRESENTATION."
Do you see all the Black people in that TEA Party protest outside the capital? It's something you have to really look for. If you look very closely you'll see none in there...yeah, that's because they aren't racist at all.
But hey, you know, whatever, the TEA party plays. Good for you. Like all Neo-Con Americans you know fuck-all about your own country's history.
That's really not the case in France. Yes, I've actually been there & purchased the cheap bust of Napoleon to prove it. Well, not so much to prove it as I thought that would be the perfectly stereotyped souvenir.
Souvenir, by the way is an appropriately French word.
I've been to France, I own a Napoleon bust, & I know a good deal of French history. Unlike American's, the French ALSO know a good deal of French history. They know more French history than I do & that's really how it should be.
They also speak English better than we do, in the South of France they speak Spanish better than I do--which is not hard--& they probably know more about American history than you do but are disinclined to admit it because they don't want to seem rude by correcting your misconceptions, & don't understand how fucked American education really is.
So, you know, they won't correct you when you insist that they had nothing to do with our victory in the American Revolution. You know, like supplying a navy, artillery, &, you know, actually teaching us how to fight so we don't keep on losing like Washington was doing until they arrived.
They are also the European country that, for a very, very long time, you did not want to fuck with. Today in America we call them "cheese eating surrender monkeys" but they used to be, once upon a time, the country that would seriously kick your ass.
And it's not just me saying that either, I met a former SAS soldier in a bar in Montreal that insisted France still has one of the best armées in the world. If the British can admit to that, you know the French had to be tough because those are two countries that have historically hate each other.
If it wasn't for the French, you'd be a Muslim right now...& that sort of means that there might be peace in the middle east, but, well, thank the French for it or blame them for it, at any rate, they were the bad asses of their day.
And when you get that sort of tough-as-nails reputation in a time where you fought by swinging three-foot chunks of iron at one another, a lot of pride comes with that reputation. So, you know, over-throwing your own monarchy isn't something you are going to do lightly.
America & Ireland can roll their eyes at shit like that. We weren't rebelling against OUR king, we were rebelling against THEIR king. There's a pretty big difference there.
It doesn't take as much, I don't know, anger? Hatred? Famine? Oppression?
It doesn't take as much whatever to rebel against someone else's divine right monarchy.
What I'm saying is that you have to be a really pissed off cheese eating surrender monkey to be so angry you force your king into a dress in an effort to escape with is life.
There's a line & that line is always the same. Once you start watching your children struggle to keep a roof over their head & food in their belly while your landlords lives in homes like this:
"The poor don't want to work."
"If we paid them more they wouldn't know the value of hard work."
"I don't want to pay taxes just to feed the people that I'm paying poverty wages."
Of course, like today, the French upper class didn't really pay taxes, but unlike today, the people actually wanted them to pay their fair share.
But you know, we're talking about the cheese eating surrender monkey Aristocracy & not the American corporate Aristocracy so instead of openly insulting the poor & employed they simply said "let them eat cake."
And that attitude enraged the French so much that they started to do a lot of this:
"Yes, you're going to work for me, I'm going to pay you starvation wages, & it's your fault because you don't work hard enough to have been born rich."
When you finally do take control, you're going to do a LOT of chopping.
But shit like that isn't the only reason. One of the biggest reasons was.
"Climate change doesn't exist."
Seriously, climate change deniers caused the French Revolution.
Yeah, it hit the America's too. Those of you that know geography, American geography...you know, those of you that aren't form the US...you already know that the Delaware doesn't freeze over.
Look at England, back when it was ruled by Rome it was famous for milk, honey, & wine. Yeah, England was in the wine belt of the Roman Empire.
They made the switch because it was a hell of a lot easier to grow wheat in that weather than it was to grow grapes. As we know from the previous post, booze were necessary for life because water kills.
England made the transition, but a lot of people still starved because of the mini ice age. France, on the other hand said "it's just a cold winter, next year will be be back to normal."
Back then agriculture was where the wealth was, the industrial revolution hadn't exactly started yet. So instead of having sweatshops, you had peasants & those peasants worked your land for sweatshop wages, or in this case, subsistence food & no wages.
And like the Irish potato famine, the farms were producing enough to feed the population & still turn a profit & like in Ireland, the landowners wanted the same profit, not less profit, so they let their people starve to death so they could net $1,000 dollars in profit rather than just $500 in profit & while they were doing this they kept telling their people.
"The weather will be better next year."
"But...but...what about the gold standard?"
Idiot.
So, you know, he actually did try to prevent the revolution.
The thing is wheat bread looks like this:
Only, you know, they were French so it came out like this: "non, nous aurions préféré avoir les gens meurent de faim que de manger du pain noir."
And the only words that I understood there were "noir" & "faim."
Even though Louis la Seizième was a king ordained by god himself to rule over all of France & the French had to do absolutely everything he said because his voice was the will of God...he just sort of shrugged & said "OK, I tried. One effort. Gave it my best."
And then his wife didn't say: "Let them eat cake," Jean-Paul Marat just said that's what she said. Because propaganda always works well for you cause.
So then we had...
Why can't I find a woman that walks around topless as much as Lady Liberty?
But we are talking about rye & wheat & France so I meant to ask: "Pourquoi ne puis-je pas trouver une femme qui se promène seins nus autant que Lady Liberty?"
And the only words I understood in that sentence were: "seins" & "niquer" & "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
But that's not the first time we've suffered a war over rye, or want of rye.
We also have rye to, at least partially, thank for World War I & the Russian Revolution which were kinda sorta really big deals, & maybe a story for another time. Or maybe we might just talk about how World War I was brought to you by the color green.
I'll leave you with this:
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